


Shut Up, I Love You

by Books in the Blood (WholockHobbit88)



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Avoiding Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Making Out, Ryan's POV, and of course the inevitable vacation location scenes, casual kissing, haunted locations, its all fun and games until things get complicated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-07 08:39:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13431039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WholockHobbit88/pseuds/Books%20in%20the%20Blood
Summary: Ryan freaks out at haunted locations and Shane finds a very effective way of calming him down. Ryan finds it's impossible to have a panic attack when Shane is kissing you.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Alright....so, I still cant believing I'm writing RPF and yet here I am with my first multichapter Buzzfeed Unsolved fics. Thanks for reading, enjoy the boys!

Ryan didn't love Shane and that was the truth. He didn't love how he shot down every theory he had without a second thought. He didn't love how he made little jabs about everything about him from his height to his clothes to his easily displayed emotions. He didn't love how he tried to scare the shit out of him every time they were at a haunted location or how he sometimes made him feel ridiculous in front of their fans. That being said, Shane was his friend and he did like him. He liked how he could always make him laugh, even at stupid shit. He liked how he could always make him feel less afraid on location when he saw it had become too much. He liked how they could spend so much time together traveling and working and yet still want to spend free time together. He liked how they could have a good time no matter what they were doing. He liked Shane a lot but he didn't love him, no matter what the internet seemed to imply.

Except…sometimes….. things got complicated.

It wasn't really that surprising, though Ryan was surprised to find it happening to him. It was actually quite common for people that shared life and death or high stress situations to become overcome with emotion or become overly attached to each other. Ryan knew this…..he knew this and it made sense to him. It was only logical, when you survived a high stress situation with someone, that you would naturally be drawn to that person. So, he didn't become overly concerned when he felt himself being overcome with emotion after a case with Shane. When he was on location, he was absolutely terrified; there was no denying that nor any need to pretend it wasn't true. He wasn't faking for the cameras; he 100% believed in ghosts and demons and though he did want to prove they were real, he was absolutely petrified at how they might manifest themselves to him. Every time they ended an episode and he was still alive, still breathing, still not haunted by demons he counted it as a victory.

But every time he had a victory, every time he survived with no ill effects, he felt that strange pull toward Shane. He knew that Shane didn't feel the same rush of emotions after it was over; how could he considering he didn't believe in any of this? Shane didn't feel that flood of adrenaline, that rush of delighted relief that Ryan did…but it didn't stop Ryan from FEELING things…After it was all over, Ryan couldn't help but see Shane in a better light. He was funnier, happier, warmer …..he almost seemed to glow with a life energy after it was all over that just made Ryan almost DRAWN to him. He had to stare into his eyes longer than was appropriate, he had to lean on him if they were drinking even if he wasn't that drunk, he kept talking just to keep Shane talking and making jokes and being funny. Even when he was lying in his bed after it was all over he couldn't stop thinking about how happy he was to be alive and how thankful he was that Shane was the one to share it with him. After these things happened, Shane became perfect in his mind despite his logical mind telling him otherwise. He'd lie in bed, totally content and at peace and yet aching for something he couldn't quite place. Meanwhile, Shane would be passed out in the bed next to him, totally unaware.

So it passed until one night when it all came to a head. Somehow, Shane had gotten him to break his one rule to only do one demon episode a season and as he fled out of the old Victorian house that was demon location #2 he actually quite hated Shane. He hadn't wanted to come here; he'd told Shane that over and over again but he just wouldn't stop. No matter how much he'd said no, Shane just kept pushing. And just like the approval slut he was, he said yes to make Shane happy and get him to stop calling him a wimp. And now he hated Shane because he'd done a second demon location and it ended with him running from the house like the wimp Shane had accused him of being, hyperventilating in the flower bed in front of a haunted house with three scratches on his hand after Shane had called the demon a motherfucker.

"Ryan! Ryan!"

Ryan could hear Shane distantly calling him but he could not even be remotely concerned about it.

I'm not going back in, I'm not going back in, I'm not going back in….

It was a mantra in his head but it was the only thing keeping him going. Night was falling and the air was cool, the dirt too moist underneath him but he was still hot. Burning, in fact…it was almost as if when the demon touched him it filled him with heat that wouldn't go away.

A demon touched him….A fucking demon TOUCHED him!

And that's when he stopped breathing.

Ryan was fully in the middle of a panic attack, looking at the burning red scratches on his hand when Shane popped up in front of him.

"Ry…..are you okay?" Shane asked. His voice was so calm and gentle but Ryan was too far gone to notice it.

Ryan's ears felt like they were in a tunnel, ready to explode. His heart was racing, beating so fast it was two seconds from being flung out of his chest while his lungs shriveled inside his chest, void of air. Everything was spinning, dizzy…...gone…GONE….

"Not going back…..not going back…..not going back…"all he could do was repeat his mantra. He was staring at his hand and it felt limp and hot and WRONG.

"Fuck dude…I'm not making you go back in there" Shane said, sounding insulted that Ryan could think he'd make him go back.

"You made me come here…didn't want to…fu…."Ryan wanted to say fuck you but he lost steam. He collapsed a little bit more in on himself.

Shane took Ryan's hand, looking at the scratch. "I know…. I shouldn't have pushed you."

Ryan's breath was coming out fast, too rapid and tortured. He was breathing so fast his chest burned and ached. Shane's hand felt ice cold against his own; he was running his finger across the scratches as if it was nothing more than a child's boo boo and the cooling of it was the only thing that comforted Ryan in the slightest.

"Hey, you really need calm down…..you're going to have a damn heart attack" Shane said. It didn't comfort him. Ryan's heart was beating faster, his breath sounded like a damn zombie's and he couldn't make it stop.

"A demon…..demon…..touched….IT TOUCHED ME!"

Ryan's eyes were so wide that they were going to pop out of his head; the panic was all consuming.

It proved how real this was that Shane didn't immediately say that there were no demons or that all this was bullshit; even Shane couldn't deny it this time. He'd seen it with his own eyes whether he wanted to delude himself or not. Maybe later he would find some 'logical' explanation for it all but right now he couldn't.

"Ryan, it's nothing…..look! Just a scratch" Shane said brightly. He was rubbing Ryan's hand, trying to distract him and get him to calm down. He wasn't calm. It wasn't nothing…it was REAL…..more real than anything else they'd ever encountered. This was no plastic bag on the Queen Mary, no little flash light turning on in the Sallie House…..this was a tangible, irrefutable proof of a demon and it had touched HIM even though Shane was the one that was fucking taunting it. What if it marked him? What if it followed him home? What if it killed him? That's when his mind melted and he ceased breathing at all.

Shane grabbed Ryan's face, forcing him to look to into his eyes. They were dark and familiar…..they were safe and so alive… "You've got to calm down…you're going to be fine. Breathe…..breathe…"

Ryan tried to breathe, really he did but he was too far gone. His mind had already fully gone down the rabbit hole and he simply could not get out on his own.

He was dizzy…..so dizzy; he needed to breathe but he couldn't even when he looked into Shane's comforting eyes. He'd freaked out before, even had panic attacks but this was so much worse than any of those.

He didn't see it coming…..not by a long shot. He was too lost in the demon to see it coming; had he been fully aware he still wouldn't have seen it coming. One moment he was trying to force air into his closed lungs. The next, Shane was fucking kissing him.

If Ryan had said that in his head at that moment, 'Shane is fucking kissing me' that alone would have probably been enough to snap him out of his attack. The mere idea of it was so mind boggling ridiculous that had he been told this would happen, Ryan would have told anyone who suggested such a thing that Shane would sooner believe in ghosts than Ryan could believe in this. Ryan believed in EVERYTHING but he wouldn't have believed in this. But, it was happening and it was simply one of the strangest things to happen to him in his strange life.

It was…..awkward; it was definitely awkward at first. He was so stunned that at first all he could think about was all the wrong things. It felt weird because he didn't know what to do with his hands so they just hung strangely by his sides. He was ass deep in mud that was quickly soaking through his jeans which was horrible. It was Shane so it was full of stubble and everything was so BIG…..his big legs in the way with knees knocking his own, big lips, teeth, hands on his face, tongue…Shane's fucking TONGUE in his mouth….he wasn't going to get over that one in long time. He could taste the pizza and beer Shane ate earlier, was too aware that he smelled like cobwebs and sweat and the fact that he was only panicking in the first place because of Shane's fucking huge MOUTH which was currently smothering his own.

But then….

Then, amazingly, he was breathing….his chest didn't hurt, his heart was calm and most importantly, he was breathing just as effortlessly as if he was a million miles from this godforsaken house. And the moment that he realized all this, all of the awkwardness melted away. He didn't have to wonder where his hands were going to go because they were already knotting into Shane's old, worn t-shirt that most certainly did smell like sweat but it wasn't a BAD smell because it was just SHANE'S smell, if that made any sense at all. Shane's body was so cool beneath his fingers and he didn't know how that was but it felt perfect and RIGHT; while he burned with passion and anger and worry, Shane was always just so fucking COOL. They were so complete opposites but somehow it just worked. Shane was still bigger than him in every way but instead of getting overly concerned about this, it was actually kind of…..NICE. He shuddered to think about analyzing that thought later but being held by somehow whose hands were bigger, kissed by someone's mouth whose was bigger, being surrounded by someone who could easily swallow him up was like being enveloped in a cloud of warmth and safety.

And aside from all of that, Shane was a fucking fantastic kisser though Ryan was sure that he would not admit that in a million years. As much as Shane ran his mouth, as quickly as the zingers came out, maybe he should have known that he knew how to use his mouth but he was nonetheless surprised. He was surprised to find his head was dizzy in a whole new way as the blood that was so concentrated in his head to fuel his demon induced panic was hurriedly rushing to other parts of his body and making him feel weak in much different ways than the fear had. He was definitely NOT thinking about fucking demons…

Seemingly as soon as it started, it was over. Ryan felt like he was in a swirling tunnel of warmth and peace and calm when he was ripped out by Shane breaking the contact. All the soft warmth and unawareness was washed away and he was gasping for breath in the cool, dark night air, unbelievably looking at a Shane who looked totally unfazed by the experience.

He looked as just as calm, just as NORMAL as he always did as he looked into Ryan's eyes, a calm smile on his lips.

"See? You're breathing, your heart's still beating…..you're fine" Shane said, a slight chuckle in his throat but mostly just smiling so gentle and calm and warm it felt like a sunset in the middle of what was night around them.

Ryan WAS fine in all the ways that mattered. His panic attack was over; he could breathe, his heart was beating normally, he didn't feel like he was going to pass out any moment. His wasn't going to have a heart attack but was he okay? For the moment he WAS but when it really sank in he knew there was going to be so much MORE.

Shane rubbed the scratches on his hand once more before breaking all contact and standing up, a wide, totally easy Shane smile on his face.

"See, just a little scratch? Nothing to worry about…..if that demon even thinks about following you home I'll kick his ass" Shane said with a laugh.

Under normal circumstances, Ryan would have made a joke about how Shane was acknowledging that demons were real but under these circumstances, all he could do was say, "Yeah…..yeah, I'm okay now" and nod numbly.

Ryan was only half there as Shane grabbed his hand and pulled him to his feet. "You just stay here. I'll go and get everyone else and we can get the hell out of here" Shane said before disappearing back into the nightmare house. It felt like an eternity that Ryan just stood there in the cool air, staring into the blackness and trying to figure out what he felt but not even for a second being afraid of what had happened in that house. If distraction was what Shane had been going for he fucking nailed it.

Looking back on it, Ryan was able to analyze it all in his obsessive way. It made sense to Ryan that HE would kiss SHANE; on location Ryan had so many emotions flowing. It made sense that with as worried and scared and crazy as he was the he might accidently kiss Shane. With emotions running high who could tell what might happen? Already he had been feeling himself getting amped up after a case. With his need to listen to and watch and touch Shane in any way possible after a high energy case it wouldn't have surprised him if he had accidently thrown himself on Shane. He was glad he had hadn't, thank god…..but it would have been understandable. High energy and high stress situations could only lend themselves to certain outbursts.

But for Shane to be the one to kiss him….Ryan didn't understand. Shane didn't even BELIEVE any of this stuff. There was no reason for him to be nervous or anxious or to even have an adrenaline rush…he was, as usual, just COOL….and yet….

And yet…..when Shane had kissed him there had been something there. He didn't know WHAT it was but there was SOMEthing…..there had been a gentleness, a tenderness that he had never seen in Shane. Sure, he had been trying to get him to calm down but….was it more? Shane had been trying to calm him down, to get his panic attack under control but it had to be….MORE. Ryan knew they were friends but he was under no illusions Shane would simply kiss him out of friendly concern. So…what the hell?

Ryan wanted it to be more….not that he was admitting, even just to himself, that he wanted Shane to have feelings for him. But if Shane kissing him was simply a distraction to get him to snap out of his panic then, well…..he felt a bit cheap. Was he that desperate? Was he so obviously, pathetically desperate that Shane felt he should throw Ryan a bone by kissing him? Ryan didn't want it to be that…..but what DID he want it to be?

Ryan's head was swirling with thoughts and worries and anxiety, dazed in the cool night air when Shane finally returned with the rest of the crew. He felt like he couldn't see or hear or feel anything in that moment except an empty confusing swirl of emotion until he felt a hand on his shoulder, one that felt familiar; one that still had the ghost of feeling on his face where it had held him. Shane's touch was so comfortingly cool when he still felt so burning hot that he could feel it through his shirt, giving him strength. Everyone was asking him if he was okay but it was only when Shane squeezed his shoulder and answered for him that he could feel his mind rush out of the rabbit hole to awareness.

"He's a little shook up but he'll be okay" Shane with such ease and calm that it was almost like the incident in the haunted house…..and the one that followed it…had never happened. Ryan turned back and looked at him. He looked just like he always had but Ryan couldn't stop thinking how his face had looked an inch from his right before he had kissed him. Ryan felt his blood rush to his head in a second, causing him to fall back a bit into Shane's touch.

Shane's hand gently guided him to the car where everyone piled in, grateful to get away from the now especially infamous haunted house.

Someone seemed to think it was a good idea to get drinks. Ryan supposed it wasn't necessarily a bad idea; it was often how they ended a shoot and it left everyone lose and relaxed before returning home and usually Ryan was all for it. But right now he was bone tired and numb and just really fucking confused. He was so tired that he just wanted to fall asleep but he knew that his mind needed to think more than it needed sleep and it was so hard to think about what had happened with everyone around him. What had happened felt so much like a secret he hardly wanted to think about it lest someone could read it on his face, Shane included.

He drank a few beers while the others talked but everyone was somewhat more subdued than usual. Everyone seemed to feel the seriousness of what had happened; that they had actually caught real footage of a supernatural being on camera but no one wanted to gloat about it because Ryan was so freaked. He was glad they didn't…he wasn't sure he could handle everyone being excited while the scratches were still on his hand. He'd always wanted proof, just not in that way…He hoped that once the shock of it had worn off he would feel differently about it but it hadn't worn off yet and he did not want to talk about it at all.

Shane wasn't exactly his normal self but he was the most animated of the group. He drank the most, made a few light jokes here and there…..none of them about Ryan for a change. Any time that Ryan tried to catch his eye, he looked away; not like he was avoiding him, but just like it didn't even occur to him that Ryan was trying to catch his eye. It was like it didn't matter…..everyone was purposely avoiding the conversation of the demon out of respect for Ryan but, though he hated to admit it, he missed the attention of those eyes staring into his and the gentle cool fingers grazing across his cut. When he began to feel that, that was the point that he pushed his beer away; he didn't need to feed those kinds of thoughts in any way.

Ryan had every intention of saying something to Shane; when they were back at the hotel in their room alone, of course. What he was going to say…..even he had no idea. But he had to say something. He had to know if it meant anything other than Shane wanting to get him to stop freaking out. He doubted Shane would resort to such drastic measures to calm him but that was more believable than the idea that Shane fucking had some kind of feelings for him. That was just ridiculous. Ryan dreaded asking; everything he could think of sounded ridiculous even in his head. But he knew how he was and that if he didn't bring it up, it would eat away at him and make his brain melt.

But he didn't get the chance. He tried so desperately to hold on but in the dark calm of the backseat of the car on the way to the hotel he just couldn't stay awake; the physical and mental anguish of the day had drained him of everything and he felt empty and tired. As Shane talked with the rest of the crew, Ryan dozed in the back seat.

When they got to the hotel, Ryan was half awake as he heard doors opening and voices murmuring about him. Shane's voice cut through the haze, not even trying to whisper.

"No, I got him. You go on ahead. Okay, little man…up you go"

Shane's voice was close to his ear and then his hand was shaking him to wake up. Ryan felt sick and disoriented, a crick in his neck like he'd been asleep for hours instead of twenty minutes. Shane's hands guided him out of the car and Ryan didn't even try to not lean heavily on him. It was nice….really nice…Ryan threw an arm around Shane's back and leaned heavier, at which point Shane stumbled.

"I called you little man but you're solid muscle, Ry…..you gotta walk at least some" Shane said with a slight chuckle. There was something else there but Ryan was too tired to analyze it.

The hotel lobby was blindingly bright and Ryan was thankful when they finally stumbled into their own room. Shane must have been as tired as he was because he didn't even bother to turn the light on before he was throwing off his own jacket and shoes and collapsing on his bed. It took all of Ryan's strength to do the same and crawl under the covers.

He wanted to talk to Shane, wanted to even look at him to read some clue in his face but he couldn't manage it. It was a miracle that a minute later he actually heard Shane's voice in the darkness.

"I'll never call a demon a motherfucker again…I promise"

It wasn't a joke; Ryan knew Shane's joking voice well and he wasn't making a joke. It was serious and because it was serious Ryan knew the meaning behind it. Shane knew what happened at the haunted house was a big deal; he knew how badly it upset Ryan and he regretted being the cause of it. Shane had never been afraid to call a demon any number of colorful names because he didn't believe in them and there was never any proof. Now there was very tangible proof. Whether that made a believer out of Shane or not Ryan wasn't going to push the matter. He knew it affected Shane in some way simply because of the promise…..and the kiss.

"Thanks"

Ryan let the simple word hang in the air and hoped Shane could read him as well as he could read Shane. Thank you for never insulting a demon around me again…and thank you for comforting me afterwards…..Ryan thought as he drifted off to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I normally only do one update a week but I had some time so here's a bonus chapter :) Hope you enjoy!

Ryan slept like shit that night. He supposed that it should not have been any kind of surprise but even so he had hoped for quiet, calm uninterrupted sleep after what had happened. But his unrest made sense; he kept waking from nightmares that he could not remember. He could not remember the imagery from his dreams, only the sense of utter fear and panic. He would wake up, twisted in the sheets with a burning need to check the marks on his hand. Once he had checked that they had indeed not gotten worse or made his hand fall off or some shit like that, he would fall back on the bed and try to regain sleep. All he could do was listen to Shane snoring like a buzz saw in the bed next to him and try to convince himself that there was nobody or no THINGS in the darkness of the room. Eventually, he just had to admit defeat and turned the little lamp on beside his bed so he could really see there were no demons in his room.

The light was enough that Ryan could see Shane sleeping soundly next to him. He was curled up on his side facing Ryan, one hand clutching the pillow. He looked so calm and relaxed…he looked so much younger when he was sleeping. Ryan had never noticed it before; they had slept together dozens of times, both at haunted locations and in hotels together but he had never really paid attention. Usually, he was too focused on not shitting his pants to notice or care how calm Shane was. That wasn't to say that he wasn't absolutely shitting himself over the demonic energy he was still convinced was around him but he was…

He was seeing Shane differently…he was noticing more about him…

There…he'd said it in his mind so that was something. Yeah, something that was damn terrifying.

Ryan tried to make himself look away but he couldn't. Was this really any different than he'd be thinking and feeling the past several weeks? No, it wasn't. Hadn't he been feeling himself more drawn to Shane after a case for a while? Didn't he find himself looking at him longer, listening to his words more, noticing a million little things about him he hadn't before? So, it wasn't really all that new that he wanted to watch Shane sleep, that he found comfort in doing so. When you shared certain experiences with someone it naturally made sense to be comforted by their mere presence.

But….

Did feeling kinship with Shane mean he should keep reliving that kiss in his mind over and again? Did it mean that he should want to wake Shane up and ask Shane what the hell he'd meant by it? Did it mean that he should want to leave his own bed right now and crawl into Shane's so badly that he hurt?

Hell, no, it didn't…..

Ryan forced his eyes closed and took a deep breath. If he wasn't out of his mind with worry thinking about the demon they'd encountered earlier, than he was consumed with FEELINGS for Shane he couldn't understand. He should not be so focused on how Shane's lips had felt, how gentle his hands had been and how his tongue had moved inside in Ryan's mouth. Because, of course, Shane Madej couldn't give him a simple peck on the cheek, he had to go from 0 to fucking tongue kissing in two seconds….

No, he shouldn't be thinking about all of that. But, none of that should have happened in the first place. There was no logical reason for Shane kissing him and then acting as if it had never had happened.

Ryan finally drifted off to sleep once more, over thinking Shane instead of overthinking demons.

Ryan woke up some distant time later and could feel light on his face and the rumble of the TV on in the room. Before he could even open his eyes he could tell it was the history channel; Shane had to be up.

Ryan opened his eyes and blinked against the morning light trying to come through the hotel curtains. He realized that he had slept for several hours of peaceful uninterrupted sleep…..after day dreaming about kissing Shane

"Hey! You're awake!"

Shane's voice snapped him out of his thoughts and brought him to the present. Ryan pushed himself up on his bed and looked at Shane on his bed. Shane was propped up on the headboard, munching on toast, his glasses perched on his nose watching some kind of history documentary. He looked so utterly and totally NORMAL that Ryan felt more normal.

"Thought you'd never wake up. I thought I'd have to drag you out of here at check-out time" Shane teased.

Ryan swung his legs over the side of the bed slowly, watching Shane. Shane must have thought something was wrong because his face fell; really, Ryan was thinking about how Shane's mouth would taste right now compared to last night, god help him. Probably like fucking morning breath, he just woke up, Ryan berated himself. Even so, he couldn't stop thinking about it.

"Are you okay? Did you have a hard time sleeping?" Shane asked. His voice had that same note of concern in it that he had last night. Maybe he thought Ryan was going to have a panic attack again.

Wonder if he'd kiss me again if he thought I was…Ryan hated himself for thinking it but he did all the same.

"Ryan?!" Shane asked, his voice louder, obviously concerned at Ryan's prolonged silence. Ryan forced himself to speak and act like a normal human being, as opposed to the ghost of himself he felt like.

"I kept waking up…thinking I felt that damn demon touch me again" Ryan admitted with a noncommittal shrug. He didn't want to make too big deal of it but he didn't have it in him to lie either.

Shane's face was passive; Ryan tried to read something in it but he couldn't. With that direct gaze and glasses he looked a professor studying a difficult math problem.

"Come here" was all he said after what felt like an eternity. "Have some breakfast"

Ryan did not even feel remotely like eating but he hadn't eaten since an early lunch the day before so he knew he needed to. But what really motivated him was that he could sit on the bed next to Shane while he ate. Right now Shane felt like a fucking security blanket to him; he wanted nothing more than to simply soak up all of him that he could.

Ryan flopped onto the bed as closely as he could and still be socially acceptable. He looked at the tray of breakfast food lying on the bed and despite his heavy thoughts he said, "Did you order room service?"

Shane laughed at his scandalized tone. "I didn't feel like getting out of bed" he laughed, grabbing a piece of bacon and eating it out of spite.

"Room service costs a fortune" Ryan said. He was the sensible one…but that didn't stop him from taking a muffin from the tray.

"I just told them to charge Buzzfeed for it" Shane said, his attitude of not giving a shit fully manifesting itself.

"They'll love that….." Ryan mused, munching on the muffin. Now that he began eating he realized that he was starving.

Several minutes passed while he and Shane ate in silence, both with eyes trained on the television, neither really watching. It felt like comfortable silence, not strained or awkward. Just….normal.

Shane broke the silence. "I'm sorry about last night…"

Ryan was stunned; he couldn't recall Shane apologizing for anything much less something so heavy. When Ryan looked at him, Shane was just staring at the duvet as he spoke; he wouldn't look at Ryan. Ryan knew that he was talking about the demon but that didn't stop his heart from beating quickly at the thought that Shane might be talking about the OTHER thing that had so significantly affected them last night.

Ryan didn't speak so Shane went on. "I know I always say stupid shit like that but….it's always because I never expected anything to….I really never expected an answer. I didn't do it on purpose. You know I've never believed in any of that. I…..I'd never want you to actually get hurt. I was just being stupid….trying to get a laugh out of everyone. I'm sorry"

Shane would never fully admit that he believed in demons now; Ryan knew this was as close as he was going to get. But it was obvious that he did believe simply because that entity in the house had actually hurt Ryan; Shane felt guilt over that. He knew what he had said caused that THING to scratch Ryan and he felt bad over it.

"It's okay….I know you didn't want that. I believe and you don't…I know you were being funny" Ryan said casually. He wanted to look at Shane but felt his gaze glued to the safe TV. "What's really fucked up was that demon should have scratched YOU; you were calling it a motherfucker, not me"

Ryan went for the joke when it would have normally been Shane who went for the joke. He didn't know what made him do it; he WANTED to be serious. And he did NOT Shane to be the one scratched by a demon so it was a really lame joke at that. He wasn't surprised when Shane didn't laugh…..he WAS surprised when Shane said what he said next.

"He probably scratched you because it bothered me more than him scratching me"

Ryan could not have been more surprised at that moment had aliens landed inside their room and put those infamous probes up their buttholes. It was as silent as a church in their room for a too long a time, Ryan knew, but he couldn't think what to say. This was as transparent as Shane had ever been. Number one; Shane had admitted demons were real. He had attributed feeling and intent to the demon, thus making him real. Number two: he had admitted it would hurt him more to see Ryan hurt than himself. This clearly showed that Shane must care for him in some way. As a friend…as…..something else…Ryan didn't know. But even so he couldn't believe that Shane had admitted it like he had.

Silence dragged on; he knew Shane had to want a response but Ryan felt like the muffin he was eating was stuck in his throat. Ryan couldn't help but think about the night before. The way Shane had held his face and his hands, the way he had kissed him, so open mouthed, so needy and anxious… despite the fact that the unknown ate him up he really had convinced himself that Shane had kissed him out of pure shock value, knowing it would snap him out of his anxiety attack. But now…..what Shane said and the way that he said it, the way he wasn't looking at Ryan…maybe it was more.

Ryan knew that he had to say something but the words wouldn't come. He'd wanted to ask Shane about the kiss; this was obviously as good a time as any. He tried but the only thing that came out was, "Shane"

They were obviously having a 'moment'; the air was thick and heavy with emotion and unsaid words. It was obvious it meant something to Shane but when Ryan said his name, with heavy emotion in it because of Shane's heartfelt admission, it was apparently too much. For someone unaccustomed to being so emotional, it was too much.

"I mean, who am I going to fuck with if a demon kills you? Things would get very dull" Shane said with a forced laugh and cough, as if he could clear the air of the intimacy.

Ryan could sense that the moment had passed; he hated that he hadn't just come out with it quickly, before Shane came to his senses. He didn't want to let it go.

"Shane…yesterday, after the haunted house…..after the demon touched me….when I was panicking…"Ryan was talking in circles but he was having a hard time saying what needed to said, "What was that about?"

Ryan didn't have long to panic about what had been said. Shane started laughing almost immediately, a clear clue that Shane clearly hadn't understood what he'd meant, not that he could blame him; he was talking in fucking circles.

"You freaked the fuck out that's what happened" Shane laughed, "You do that a lot, you should be able to recognize the signs by now"

"That's not what I meant…I mean…..you know….what happened. What you did" Ryan stuttered out. He tried to just say it but he simply couldn't make his mouth say the word kiss. It was just too ridiculous.

"Well, it was my fault you were shitting yourself so I had to calm you down." Shane said care freely, as if all he done was simply tell Ryan it would be alright. He was already off the bed and walking toward the bathroom. "No problem" he tossed over his shoulder as he closed the door and seconds later, Ryan heard the shower running.

Ryan had never been so damn confused…..one moment Shane was admitting how much he cared for Ryan and the next he was acting as though him kissing Ryan was simply something he had to calm him down because it was 'his fault' he was freaking out in the first place. Shane was smart; Ryan KNEW he knew what he'd meant. And yet he had simply been able to brush it off and show not emotion whatsoever about it. No embarrassment, no anxiety, no blushing…..nothing.

That's because it had been nothing to Shane.

And now he was back to feeling cheap and embarrassed. Get over it, Bergara, Ryan chided himself as he went back to making himself eat breakfast, just do yourself a favor and forget about it…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say I know it looks bad for Shane but he's not as big of a jerk as he seems right now.....he's got his reasons :) thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

Ryan DID forget about it, for the most part. Well, he didn't forget about it because that was completely impossible. But he didn't dwell on it all the time which was good because Shane literally acted as though nothing happened. And really, that was a relief; Shane wasn't going to say anything about it so Ryan was glad that it didn't create anything weird between them. Shane was his friend and he did not want that change. If he occasionally thought about the kiss then, well, that wasn't hurting anyone.

Things proceeded as they always had. Ryan's hand healed after a few days and he was relieved to see that a demonic presence did not follow him home. He still had bad dreams but even those lessened over time. Ryan was ecstatic when they finally stopped all together; it was very hard to make himself go back to sleep when he woke up alone and felt as if there was a darkness crouching in the corner waiting for him.

When the episode aired it was a huge hit, which Ryan knew it would be. It was, of course, embarrassing to have everyone see him on camera fleeing the house and screaming like a little girl but he was pleasantly pleased that very few people actually commented on it. The fans that believed in the supernatural were thrilled that they actually had on camera evidence and they all called out Shane, claiming the Shaniacs had to be done now. Shane, of course, did not give in; he remained firm in his bullshit as ever, at least on camera. Ryan didn't expect any less; he knew Shane had an image to maintain. But off camera, Ryan knew it had gotten to Shane. He didn't even give Ryan any shit while they reviewed the footage and he never brought it up after they shot the episode. No one else might see it for what it was but Ryan knew it meant Shane was shook.

It was a couple of months after the demon incident before they shot an episode on location. They were going to a forest where a little girl had been kidnapped and though it involved no ghosts or demons Ryan felt shook up already. As a rule, they'd never done any recent or ongoing cases and since this case had only happened a few years ago and the girl's body had never been found, it did not set well at all. But the massive amount of requests for it made everyone think it would be a good idea for an episode. As Ryan drove to the forest, his stomach churned with worry and he tried to focus on the gently falling rain to calm him but that wasn't working.

"So, what's the deal with this case?" Shane asked him thoughtfully, sipping his coffee and looking out the window.

"What do you mean? I told you before we left" Ryan said.

"I know but there's got to be more to it than just a kidnapping if we're covering it" Shane insisted.

"Everyone wanted to hear about; it's only been a couple of years so it's still fresh in everyone's minds" Ryan said

"Are you sure? There's no ghosts or any spooky specters involved? Why would you pick it otherwise?" Shane asked, giving Ryan a knowing look.

"No, there honestly aren't any ghosts" Ryan insisted.

"Ryan….."Shane drug out his name, giving him a I-know-you're-fibbing look.

Ryan caved like he always did; Shane could read him like a book. "Alright, well…..some people think…I mean, the day the girl was kidnapped some people saw a man in the woods….some people think it looked like…it's not my opinion…..but some people think it was Slenderman."

Shane threw up his hands. "Really Ryan? Slenderman?" he asked in exasperated voice.

"I didn't come up with it! It's just one of the many theories" Ryan tried to defend. It sounded weak and Shane was just shaking his head.

"I knew there had to be something else….if it wasn't Slenderman it would have been aliens or ghosts or fucking orbs" Shane teased.

"Shut up, Shane" Ryan said, though in all honesty, the friendly banter was keeping his mind off his growing unease.

It was misting when they got to the forest and though it was still early afternoon, it was cold and generally miserable. As soon as Ryan caught sight of the forest, his stomach churned and sweat began to bead on his forehead despite the cold.

It's just a forest…..it's just a forest…Ryan tried to tell himself. And it was just a forest; any other time it might actually be beautiful. The trees were beginning to turn a multitude of autumn hues; red, yellow, orange…they glinted off the multicolored leaves like glitter and birds were singing somewhere. It was beautiful…but then Ryan started thinking about how some little girl was kidnapped here and how many people had reported seeing Slenderman here. No longer beautiful…

Ryan let Shane go ahead of him; he wasn't scared so naturally he should lead the way. Ryan followed Shane who walked to the edge of the forest, looked around and stopped abruptly, heaving a big sigh.

"You okay?" Ryan asked, stopping next to Shane and looking at his somewhat pale face.

Shane sighed heavily again and Ryan was sincerely hoping he wasn't getting food poisoning from the gas station food or something because he looked kind of sick. "I don't like this, Ryan…I don't like the way this feels at all" he admitted.

He certainly looked worried but it took Ryan by surprise. Shane never looked like that; he was always chill. The fact that Shane was worried made Ryan worry even more. "I thought you didn't believe in Slenderman" Ryan said, feeling like he was going to puke.

Shane sighed but this time it sounded exasperated instead of scared. "I DON'T believe in fucking Slenderman but I do believe in murderous perverts who kidnap helpless little girls. This one….it's just too recent…too close for comfort" Shane admitted.

"Yeah, I agree but you know…the fans…..they all wanted to see it" Ryan said with a shrug, "The more outrageous the crime the more everyone wants to see it"

"Well, then they're all a bunch of sickos" Shane said. He turned toward the camera, pointing. "You get that? You all are a bunch of sickos"

Ryan wheezed; the fans were going to eat that up. Even better, the little laugh had diffused the situation and though apprehensive, they could venture into the woods now without totally freaking out.

Ryan was on edge but not more so than usual, despite the fact that this was the first location since the demon house. They visited the spots that key clues in the case had been found, discussed different theories, including Slenderman but also key suspects that had been analyzed but ultimately let go. They were actually finished and on their way back to the car when it all went to shit.

Ryan actually wasn't scared at this point; it was like when they were at a haunted location and he knew he was leaving so he said fuck you to the ghosts. They were on their way out so all of the adrenaline was beginning to fizzle out and Ryan was way more concerned with how wet and cold his clothes were than anything else. That was until Shane stopped dead in his tracks, turned white as a sheet and began to take off in the opposite direction, muttering, "Oh shit…oh shit…oh shit!"

Ryan didn't even stop to think; his heart was instantly hammering out of his chest, panic flooding his veins as the adrenaline was renewed in his bloodstream. Shane was running through forest as if his life depended on it and judging by the fact that Ryan had never seen Shane run at all, he must think his life did depend on it.

"Shane! What's wrong!?" Ryan asked, panting between breaths, the stich in his side aching like hell. Already, Ryan was scared to look out of the corner of his eye for fear he'd see a figure with extra-long legs and arms staring at him.

"I think I saw someone…..watching us" Shane gasped, more out of breath than Ryan but still faster than Ryan out of sheer length of limbs.

Ryan didn't know how long they ran but Ryan was feeling dizzy and sick and he was not paying nearly enough attention. When Shane tripped and fell over the side of a hill, Ryan did not have enough time to stop himself and was quickly tumbling down the hill after Shane.

He was obviously going insane because as he tumbled down the hill, feeling rocks smack into his face and ribs and back and thorns rip into his flesh, all he could think of was that dumb nursery rhyme about Jack and Jill falling down some dumb hill and cracking their heads.

Which was totally stupid…especially since in this scenario he was Jill tumbling after Jack and that was unacceptable.

Shane came to an abrupt stop at the bottom, smashing into the ground and letting out a pained groan. Ryan followed a few moments later, landing against Shane so that half his body was on top of Shane, the other half buried in wet leaves. Everything, absolutely everything, hurt.

The fear that had been coursing through his body, making his brain melt, was instantly dissolved as he realized how CLOSE Shane was. Shane was lying on the ground among the leaves, wincing in pain and Ryan had all but landed on top of him. His entire body hurt and he was going to use that as a reason to not move, as opposed to the real reason which was that feeling Shane's warmth through his wet hoodie was keeping him from freaking out.

"You okay?" Ryan asked, because Shane had not opened his eyes yet and Ryan was worried he had broken something.

"Yeah…..yeah I'm okay…I just…"

But Shane didn't finish what he was saying because at that moment he had opened his eyes and realized that Ryan's face was only inches away from his. Ryan could feel an electric energy go between them; he didn't want to say it was tension because it was not tense but it was definitely…heavy.

Ryan was on Shane's chest but he did not even attempt to get up; he was too busy studying how the rain was glinting off Shane's eye lashes and how he could feel Shane's heart racing where his hand was on his chest. Shane was gasping for breath, moving Ryan with every breath. Ryan's hand twitched on the spot above Shane's heart and Shane made a sound that was like a gasp and sigh together.

"Your heart's racing" Ryan found himself saying even though of course Shane knew that. Shane's breath was coming out in little icy puffs like the fog that was swirling around them. Ryan could feel it on his face, warm moisture mixing with the cold rain already there.

Shane's eyes were on Ryan's; he wasn't sure anything could make them move because they were like magnets drawn to Ryan's. "Yeah…I'm scared" Shane said. His voice was breathless sounding even though he had since caught his breath. His words were quiet, they trembled a bit; they were totally un-Shane like.

It was a big deal. Shane was never scared. And if he was scared he certainly never admitted it. Of course Shane was scared; he was convinced someone was watching them in this forest. Even now Ryan wondered if they should even be here, if they shouldn't get up and start running again. But…..there was something else there, a heaviness that Ryan didn't understand being there. It was just something so…MORE in some way.

The forest was still and silent except for the icy rain pelting them here and there; nothing at all seemed to move around them. Ryan shifted his weight, his hands coming to rest on Shane's shoulders; Shane made a muffled gasp that was half pain, half something else. Ryan could smell the musk of wet leaves but underneath that, when he took a deep breath, was that same scent Ryan had smelled at the demon house….the one he now associated with Shane. The same scent that made him feel calm instantly.

"I thought you didn't believe in Slenderman" was Ryan's lame response to Shane's fear. Despite the fact it was totally lame, it didn't necessarily FEEL that way. Because Shane was not laughing at him, he was not rolling his eyes…he wasn't saying some snarky comment. He was just looking at Ryan with eyes that felt like they were digging into him; he was totally and completely serious maybe for the first time ever.

"I don't" Shane said seriously. His words were so deep and heavy it was almost easy to forget exactly what they were talking about.

Shane's eyes were glinting…..his breath was warm puffs…..his eyes were half shut but still fixedly looking into Ryan's…..everything stopped for a moment, including Ryan's breath.

Ryan was almost expecting it this time…..and it was better….much better. Everything that could have made it awkward this time just made it more endearing. They were in the middle of a cold, wet forest and he should have been terrified by what could be out there but he wasn't. He wasn't scared because he was too focused on how warm Shane was beneath his fingers, how his lips felt familiar and brand new at the same time, how Shane's arms were wrapping around him and holding him there and how absolutely fucking SAFE it felt in the middle of something that was supposed to be scary.

Ryan was a much more active participant this time; no longer focused on breathing and controlling his panic attack, he could focus on EVERYTHING else. Shane WAS scared; Ryan could feel it. He could feel it in the tremble of his fingers, in the thump of his heart. But he could also feel him calm the longer that Ryan kissed him.

Shane kissed him like he was trying to CONSUME him and it put a whole new spin on everyone's joke that Shane was a demon because it certainly felt like he was being consumed but it was not scary in the least like a real demon would have been. It felt like…..if Shane wanted EVERYTHING that was Ryan and Ryan felt himself okay with that. No, he was MORE than okay if the dizziness in his head and the rush of warmth all the way down to his toes was an indication.

There were hands wrapped around his back and then moving up into his hair and he had simply no fucking idea how great that would feel. With those ridiculous long fingers running through his hair Ryan felt a sigh come out of his mouth and was thankful that it was buried in Shane's mouth; he was afraid of doing anything that might break the spell and make this stop. He didn't want to ever stop…

And there was that damn amazing TONGUE again…the last time this happened Ryan had been aware of Shane's mouth but now he KNEW he was never going to forget how it felt in his mouth, tangling against his own. Thank god Shane was such a smart ass…..apparently this was how he reaped the benefits of it. Ryan's breath was coming out fast and hard through his nose and he knew he needed to breathe, to REALLY breathe and he didn't want to stop; instinctively he knew when he stopped, it would all be over.

Shane's hands were so big it felt like his whole head was being covered by those fingers running through his hair and it was AMAZINGLY comforting….Ryan felt even if a kidnapper or even fucking Slenderman jumped out of the forest right now it would be okay because he had Shane and Shane obviously had him in a very real way.

Ryan hated for it to end. When he could hear the rest of the crew desperately calling out their names, Ryan broke the contact; he felt a bit guilty for having forgotten about everyone else in his haste to flee. Especially when he was only gone so long because he was fucking making out with Shane, because apparently making out with Shane was a thing he did now…

And he most thoroughly enjoyed it….and by the look of Shane's face, he did too.

When Ryan pulled back, he had only a second to register the look on Shane's face before he got to his feet so fast he nearly fell in the mud. Though it was only a second, it said enough to Ryan. Shane's face was flushed and red, his hair tousled; he scrambled up to a standing position, taking longer than normal because of his huge limbs, looking sheepish of all things. Ryan was sure that Shane had never looked sheepish about anything but he did now, running his tongue self-consciously across his lips. Ryan couldn't help but be distracted watching Shane licking his lips and thinking where that tongue had been seconds ago, god help him.

"We're…..we're right here" Ryan called out to the rest of the crew, his voice and feet shaky after the experience. Now that Shane was not thoroughly distracting him, he was aware of how sore he was; it seemed that he hit every single muscle on the way down the hill and the pain was growing more apparent the more he climbed up the hill. But, eventually, with groans and moans that currently was reminding Ryan of something of something that was NOT pain, he and Shane made it back up the hill.

Everyone was shaken by the scare but they were all okay so everyone made their way quickly back to the cars and did not waste any time in climbing in and locking the car doors behind them.

Ryan was glad to be in the relative safety of the car but as soon as the door shut behind him, he was all too aware of the quiet and the fact that he and Shane were alone. Last night, he hadn't been able to say anything as soon as it had happened because the rest of the crew was in the same car; this time that was not the case. Last time, it had been a fluke that could have meant anything; this time, it was the second time and it had to mean SOMETHING.

"You okay?" Shane asked after what was a very long time just sitting there staring out the window, thinking.

Ryan turned toward Shane and was dismayed to see again how very CALM and NORMAL he looked; gone completely was the flustered and embarrassed guy he had seen only ten minutes ago. Ryan wanted to simultaneously smack Shane and kiss him again. He could feel a hot flush of anger and need come to his face, no doubt painfully obvious on his face.

"Um…..no, not really" Ryan said, his voice rising and making him sound a bit hysterical which he hated. Shane looked utterly surprised by this reaction. Ryan wanted to strangle him; Shane had to know what he meant because he was certainly not stupid.

"I think we're fine now" Shane assured him with a nonchalant shrug. "I know I DID see something for sure, but we're in the car now. Let's just get the hell out of here. No big deal"

"No big deal?" Ryan asked, "No big deal?!"

"Dude…..you need to chill" Shane said with a laugh and just to make it weirder, he leaned back in his seat and began to sip his now cold coffee like nothing had ever happened. "I know I scared you because I never see anything but just drive away. Whatever creep it was isn't going to follow us to the hotel. Because, you know, at least I hope you know, it wasn't Slenderman."

Ryan felt like he had literally been slapped; this was UNBELIEVABLE. How was this happening? After the last time, it could be dismissed as a onetime thing but this was the second time Shane had fucking KISSED him and he was supposed to just act like nothing ever happened?

"What the fuck!?" Ryan found himself busting out, his brow rumpled in confusion. Shane had the indecency to not even look affected at all.

"Just get the hell out of here…what are you freaking out about?" Shane asked, "We're fine now. I don't think we're at risk of getting kidnapped now"

"Is that really ALL you're thinking about?" Ryan asked. His voice was still shrill and he hated that but there was nothing doing…..he WAS freaking out.

"No" Shane said simply. He said it so simply that Ryan should have known that he didn't get it.

"Well, then? What else are you thinking about? Please…..DO TELL" Ryan said desperately. Shane was just too calm and yet there was some part of Ryan that hoped that he actually was about to share something heartfelt and real.

"Well, I'm thinking I'm pretty hungry. Let's go get some lunch" Shane said, patting his stomach as he leaned back in the chair.

Ryan didn't even know what to say; he felt like a limp balloon that all the air had been let out of. "Really? That's all that's on your mind?" Ryan asked, his voice empty and deadpan.

"Oh, and somewhere that serves booze. I feel like I got hit by a truck" Shane said, stretching his arms and moaning a bit when he did it.

In that moment, Ryan thought that he understood, as fucked up as it was. There was plenty he didn't understand but there was something he DID get. Shane was smart and he was doing this on purpose, knowing Ryan could get it. And this was what he DID understand.

Shane did want to kiss him; obviously he wouldn't have if he didn't want to, especially twice. Maybe it was believable that Shane could have kissed him the first time simply for shock value but the second time that was not there and Ryan knew he felt need and want in that kiss. Despite what some people might think, he had been with plenty of women and he knew enough to know when someone was into him. The fact that Shane was a guy made no difference. That was definitely an 'into you' kind of kiss.

Shane did not want to talk about it; obviously he was dodging the subject like the plague. This made sense to Ryan; it wasn't like Shane was exactly the kind of guy that talked about his feelings. It made sense but it was still fucked up; how did you get to kiss someone like that and then not talk about it? Ryan definitely wanted to talk about it…but he was too much of a coward to bring up it up in blunt language. He was fairly sure Shane knew this, thus the carefree attitude about all of this. Ryan had not directly confronted him the first time so what evidence did Shane have to suggest that he would this time?

Shane would stop doing it if Ryan brought it up; this was just a guess but Ryan felt like it was a pretty good, educated guess. Shane wanted to kiss him but he didn't want to talk about it which led Ryan to believe that this was just supposed to just be a thing they did and wasn't supposed to change what they already had. If Ryan brought it up, it would make it weird and Shane probably wouldn't do it again.

Once all of that sunk in Ryan was left with some big questions; was he okay with this? Could he casually kiss Shane when things got heated and never talk about it? Did he even want to? Was it fair of Shane to do that to him?

And all that left Ryan with even bigger revelations. No, it wasn't fair for Shane to do that to him; it was kind of fucked up. Was he okay with it; he could barely admit it, but fuck yeah he was. Could he casually kiss Shane when things got heated and never talk about it; he could still feel what Shane's lips had felt like on his and the mere memory was enough to make his heart beat quick again so apparently, he was more than okay with kissing Shane in the heat of the moment. And as far as being silent? Well, Ryan had never been good at that but if that's what it took to keep Shane kissing him with that mind melting tongue and touching him with those huge, warm hands, then he was going to try.

And that's where Ryan had to leave it in his mind; he couldn't dwell on what would happen in the future and he certainly couldn't dwell on what this meant for him in terms of his image of Shane and his sexuality. Fuck that…

So, Ryan did the most logical thing and started the car, turning out onto the road.

"I'm starving too…..what did you have in mind?"


	4. Chapter 4

So, kissing was a thing he and Shane did now; Ryan accepted that even though it was fucking weird. It was so much more different than anything Ryan was used to. Obviously, he'd only ever kissed girls and you better believe if you made out with a girl multiple times, you WERE talking about it. And then there was Shane…Shane, who could kiss him so hard that it left Ryan's head spinning and then two minutes later be telling a ghost to fuck itself and be making plans with Ryan to go get a beer after the shoot. And somehow…..it fucking WORKED. Ryan didn't know how it did but it did. There was no weirdness, no awkwardness after it was over; they moved on and gave each other shit like they always had. It was always case induced; it was always in some little shithole of a location when things were getting tense. A closet in an asylum, under a covered bridge in the middle of a freezing night, in the car after Ryan was convinced the spirit box had said, 'die, Ryan, die'….Shane had said he didn't hear it say that and was convinced it didn't but that didn't change the fact that they both ended up taking cold showers that night before bed which was NOT the norm at all.

They never said a single word about it and for the most part, it didn't change anything…

Well, except for Ryan's thoughts…..those did change a bit.

Ryan did not dwell on it too much and become obsessed about it; he'd defend that to the end though of course, he didn't have to because no one knew. But still, he didn't obsess over it….his heart didn't go pitter patter every time he saw Shane and he didn't go weak in the knees every time he was around him or every time he touched him. For the most part, they were their normal, friendly selves. Throwing out occasional jokes to break up the monotony of research at their desks, Shane giving Ryan hell about believing in ghosts, fighting over the remote in the hotel rooms while on location, even checking girls out when they went out to a restaurant or bar…it was all so damn NORMAL.

But…

Sometimes, after a case was over, after the adrenaline wore off, after Shane had kissed him until he was calm again, after they were tucked into their own beds in the dark, Ryan would lie in his bed awake and just…..FEEL something. He would watch Shane sleeping, usually looking like a child but snoring like a buzz saw and he would feel…..empty. Maybe it was because all of the emotion was gone…..after the terror of the ghosts was over, after Shane had kissed him enough to make him forget his fear, after they had went to bed to sleep away the fatigue maybe there was…nothing. Maybe this was normal too; Ryan didn't know anymore what was normal he just knew that when he looked at Shane sleeping in his own bed so contently, Ryan felt anything but and he didn't know how to make it stop. But the next morning Shane would be funny and charming and Ryan would daydream about the previous night's kiss and it would all fade away. They would do a postmortem the next day and Shane would look at him with that little indescribable glint in his eye that made him feel warm to his toes and even their fans seemed to notice.

Do you all need some water? You look THIRSTY…..

Damn, did you see the way they looked at each other the whole time?

I don't know where all the eyefucking came from all of a sudden but I am NOT complaining…

That was just a few choice samples and though Shane and Ryan absolutely never read these out loud or used them as a part of a video, Ryan knew they both had read them and had to acknowledge that their new chumminess was not only there but everyone could see it plain as day.

It all felt so damn GOOD that Ryan had no idea that he was playing with fire and was soon to be burned.

It wasn't until several months later that Ryan felt himself burned by this in a very real way. They were on location shooting at the sight of a grisly unsolved murder in a southern Florida town. Despite the fact that five people had been murdered on a beach and they had to go there to do their filming, Ryan was actually excited to be on the Florida coast. Sun and spring…it was late April and the weather was warm and pleasant; what more could you ask for out of a work trip?

That was until they showed up to their hotel. Hopeful in their swim trunks, t-shirts and sandals, they crashed into the hotel's lobby to find endless dozens of rowdy teenagers screaming and laughing and making out. Five seconds into looking at the chaos, Shane turned around, lowered his shades and glared at Ryan.

"Really, Ryan?" he asked, as if he had something to do with the out of control teenagers.

"What? What did I do?" Ryan asked in stunned surprised, dodging a pair of teens sucking on each other's neck in an effort to get to the front desk.

"You planned to do an episode in Florida…in April" Shane said with a monumental sigh, leaning heavily on the front desk as he dodged someone's wayward beach ball.

"So? So what?" Ryan asked, hardly seeing how this carnival of human disaster was his fault.

Shane rolled his eyes so heavily Ryan didn't know how they didn't fall out of his head. "Well, to quote our D.B. Cooper episode; Spring Break! Yeah!" Shane said as he did a dramatic screaming, falling from an airplane impression.

Ryan wanted to laugh…..he SO wanted to laugh but he didn't on principal. "I don't remember you complaining" Ryan said saltily… "You knew we were coming here in April and all I remember you saying was 'Point to me to the bar'"

Shane looked around at the social carnage around him and pretended not to care. "Yeah…..where is the bar? I assume you did not put us up in a hotel with no bar?" Shane asked with a lifted eyebrow.

"Um…..I don't make the arrangements, you know that" Ryan said, "but…..yeah…..it looks like the bar is that way" he pointed to a sign that said something about some grill and bar.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Shane asked, grabbing his bag and dodging, miraculously, a pair of girls who were making out. He looked back at Ryan with a huge grin. "What a time to be alive"

And, amazingly, it WAS a time to be alive. They didn't have to shoot any footage until tomorrow, so though Ryan felt a sense of foreboding , he went with Shane to the bar at the hotel and began ordering the house drink, something called 'Ghost Kiss' that looked like death and tasted like ass.

"Ghost kiss? Seriously?" Ryan asked with a raised eyebrow as a ceiling fan blew his hair, looking out at the beach and trying desperately not to think of fucking ghosts….how could there be a less chill name for a mixed drink?

"It's just a name…..and it's half off" Shane said enthusiastically.

"And it also has five types of alcohol in it" Ryan said, always the sensible one.

"Exactly" Shane said, looking proud and tough and as if he dared Ryan to challenge him.

Fuck him…..he couldn't and Shane knew it. "Are you planning on getting totally wasted before we even shoot anything?" Ryan asked, trying to be sensible but it came out unintentionally sassy.

Shane seemed to find that sassiness appealing; he looked at Ryan with his dark eyes that seemed to grow even darker. Ryan was pretty sure that that was what their fans meant by 'eye fucking'…that one look that could make Ryan think he needed to do something that he certainly couldn't do in a restaurant. He was suddenly very aware he wasn't wearing underwear and a very thin bathing suit.

Shane smiled as if he knew….as if he FUCKING knew what he was doing to Ryan and surely he must have. He had to fucking lick his lip and ponder it…..keeping Ryan waiting. What a fucking loser… "Maybe I am…you going to stop me, little man?"

It ended with Ryan ordering two Ghost Kisses, keep them coming….

When Ryan looked back on it, it was, of course, a horrible idea. But in the moment, with Shane laughing and being full of brown eyes and wheezy breaths, with the humidity and salt air it seemed like a perfect idea. But really, actually it was a horrible idea.

Ghost kiss was a horrible, wonderful idea. It was wonderful in that it was so chock full of booze and so cheap it was the perfect vacation drink. It was horrible in that if you were here on business it was guaranteed to make you too wasted to even THINK of your job, much less do what you were there to do.

Ryan lost count of the drinks; amid the jokes and laughs there were numerous glass cups and plates of appetizers and drunk food that were now empty. Ryan was so totally full of food and drink that he felt huge and that should be a deterrent to sex but that was the thing about alcohol….instead of feeling less sexy, he felt MORE…more on fire, more attractive…..more alluring…..

It was a dangerous place to be…Ryan had intentionally not gotten drunk around Shane ever since they had started this weird kissing thing because….well…..he wasn't stupid. He could see how that could end and he didn't want it to. But, with the booze and the early summer air, the air of tantalizing vacation allure, Ryan could feel himself ready to do anything…not only do anything but say YES to anything…DANGEROUS...

After several 'ghost kisses' Ryan was leaning against the table, picking at a plate of curly fries while watching a storm roll in. The sky beyond the restaurant was a brilliant, angry deep purple, the wind blowing angrily. Ryan was fascinated by it all; the tourists gathering up their belongings, the surfers trying to catch one last wave, the cloud turning different colors as the storm worsened. Meanwhile, Shane was watching the restaurant. He was studying all the spring break kids and Ryan could only guess at his train of thought until he spoke.

"I bet you feel real comfortable here, Ryan" Shane said. Ryan could tell how wasted he was by the glaze in his eyes and how much slower his words came out.

Ryan himself felt quite slow. He turned away from the oncoming storm and said, "Oh, yeah, why's that?" he was curious to see what Shane had to say, just too lazy to speculate.

"These are your people" Shane said, gesticulating widely around the bar.

Ryan didn't see it; all these quite-far-from-21 kids stumbling around the bar making out and giggling and being stupid…what did he have in common with them?

"What? What are you talking about?" Ryan asked in confusion.

Shane was unfazed. "They're the popular and beautiful people" he said with drunken confidence.

Ryan was floored; that right there was the sign Shane had had too much to drink. When he was overly nice, when he complimented you too much…..he was wasted. Actually, what Shane had said was a compliment; that he thought Ryan was as popular as the kid at the bar was with a mass or girls around him. Ryan laughed because that was definitely NOT the case but he pleased none the less; Shane had called him beautiful if in a roundabout way. It was a nice change from being called every variant of short and small.

"Is that what you think I was like in school?" Ryan asked, pointing to the very popular guy at the bar who looked every bit joe college…..and the exact opposite of Ryan, pretty much.

Shane took a long time to answer; his cognitive abilities were definitely taking a hit. "Well….yeah" Shane said with a shrug, as if it was obvious. "I was a nerd, I mean, look at me; of course I was. But you…..you're all…you know, sporty and athletic. And people like you"

"Well, I'll take that as a compliment. But no, when I was in school I can assure you I never had a ring of girls throwing themselves at me" Ryan said with a laugh.

Shane was studying him with glazed eyes; his eyes were so dark that they almost looked black and Ryan felt it was piercing and he couldn't look away.

"Kids are idiots…."Shane declared after a while. With surprising quickness, as if he didn't have normal control of his massive limbs, he reached out and grabbed Ryan's biceps, "I mean look at those guns!"

Okay, Shane was definitely drunker than he was…Ryan felt his stomach drop to the floor as he felt Shane's fingers wrap around his muscles with probably more force than he realized. Ryan was just drunk enough that he wanted to make some inappropriate joke about showing them off or something but not drunk enough that he actually did it. His heart was beating so fast that he was beginning to regret that last 'ghost kiss'.

Shane kept holding on, obviously unaware of the inappropriateness of his continued grasp or else he simply didn't care. "Thanks…..uh….." Ryan tried to think of something to say but everything he could think of sounded as inappropriate as hell so he said simply, "Why don't we go take a walk on the beach?"

Shane held on for a good long ten seconds more before he finally let go and said, "Okay, let's go"

The restaurant was packed and it took Ryan and Shane's combined efforts leaning on each other to weave through the crowd and get to the beach. Ryan didn't mind; long after they made it out of the restaurant, Ryan was still letting Shane lean on him. He was more aware of Shane's heat and nearness than usual; it felt like where Shane touched him was hypersensitive. Ryan knew this was partly due to the drink; fuck tequila. But it wasn't just the drink to blame; it was simply bringing out things that were already there to begin with.

Tequila could make him uninhibited enough that he was ready to throw caution to the wind and make out with Shane even though he was not terrified out of his mind but it didn't put that desire in his mind. As they walked along the beach, the sand warm between his toes, the oncoming storm air blowing back his hair, Ryan was surrounded by beautiful people and beautiful scenery and he was staring just at Shane and wanting to so much to kiss him that he almost felt sick with ache…

Fuck…

Ryan was drunk but he wasn't drunk enough that that revelation didn't hit him like a ton of bricks. Even though he and Shane had been essentially making out for months now, Ryan had somehow talked himself into believing that it didn't really MEAN anything. He had really deluded himself into believing that it was okay for him and Shane to kiss to relieve the stress and anxiety of a case because that was as far as it was going. They didn't do it off hours and they didn't let it get out of control and do MORE than just kiss…Ryan had told himself that it was just the fear and Shane could miraculously calm him down from kissing him ; it wasn't as if he was fucking attracted to Shane or anything. Even when people commented on the looks they gave each other and the changed chemistry he could dismiss it simply as they were more relaxed and comfortable together so all of that naturally showed itself. It was especially easy to convinced yourself that it didn't mean anything when the person you were casually making out with never addressed it; sometimes it seemed like it had never actually happened and it was just some drunken dream. But on that beach, feeling Shane's warm weight on him as he leaned on him, waves of coconut sunscreen coming off him because he burned so badly, and thinking about how 'ghost kiss' would taste on Shane's tongue, feeling the shadow of Shane's grip on his biceps ten minutes ago, Ryan knew he was in fucking trouble. He couldn't dismiss it anymore…..there were no ghosts or ghouls, nothing scary…they were on a beautiful beach in the middle of spring break and Ryan STILL wanted to make out with Shane. And that meant this was no longer a coping mechanism; this was he was fucking attracted to Shane.

Shit…..

They found an uninhabited bit of beach close to the water and half fell, half sat down on the sand where the water could just lap up and reach their toes. Ryan looked out at the dark, angry waves, the sun disappearing behind purple clouds and tried to focus on that instead of the growing alarm he was feeling at the revelation about how he was feeling toward Shane. How ironic that what had started as a means to calm him down was now actually freaking him out more.

"You look entirely too amped, little guy. This is supposed to be spring break; whoo!" Shane said with a laugh, doing a great replay of his D.B. Cooper scream. He was reclining back on the sand, leaning on one elbow and looking entirely too good. Entirely too much like Ryan wanted to cover Shane's skinny body with his own because Ryan supposed that was something he was allowed to think now.

Still, the scream did make him chuckle. "I'm not amped" Ryan lied.

Shane gave him a knowing look; of course he did because he always knew when Ryan lied. "You're supposed to be drunk. Maybe you didn't get kissed by those ghosts enough" Shane teased.

Ryan tried to not get too caught up on Shane saying 'kiss' though in all honest he was about ready to throw himself into the ocean because he felt like bursting into flame. "I am drunk….just not as drunk as you" Ryan admitted. At least that was the truth.

Shane's piercing eyes were on him again, studying him and even though he had that glazed look, Ryan had an irrational fear he could see too much. What if he could tell what Ryan was thinking? What if he was looking at him differently? Would Shane actually confront him then or would he continue to ignore it and then just make things awkward?

"So, on a scale from 1 to Sallie House, how scared are you about tomorrow's shoot?" Shane asked after his study.

Thank god, he wasn't as open a book as he thought he was. "I'm not scared at all. We're just going to be looking at patches of sand and there's probably going to be a bunch of people around." Ryan said. "There are absolutely no ghosts or aliens or specters involved in this one so I'm not scared"

"Oh…..right because you're not scared of anything rational like murderers which we all know are real" Shane said with a laugh.

"I mean, yeah the idea of murderers but not out on a sunny beach surrounded by crowds of people" Ryan said.

"But they never caught this guy…..he could be out here right now plotting his next kill" Shane said, his voice taking on a dark, menacing tone despite the slight slur to his words. It's like he was TRYING to scare Ryan…..

"He killed those people in January….at night…..when the beach was deserted. That's not likely to happen now" Ryan said rationally.

Shane turned sideways to fully look at Ryan, his head propped on one arm. His eyes were scrunched, dark….menacing…when he spoke he sounded deep and chilling. "Well, maybe then we ought to come out here at night. You know…..really get the feel of what it was like. I mean, what kind of episode is it going to be if we do it in the middle of the day? There won't be a fear factor to it. I mean, how can you fully imagine some lunatic slitting your throat at high noon on the beach?"

Now Ryan was SURE Shane was trying to scare him…he was being intentionally creepy and usually Shane only did that for the cameras to get him all whipped up for the fans so why was he….

Because he was drunk he was a little slow but eventually it came to him…..at first he thought it was wishful thinking but then he realized there was literally no other explanation for it. Shane WANTED him to be scared and what did Ryan do now when he was scared? He kissed Shane…..was Shane seriously trying to make him scared off case so he get Ryan to kiss him? And if he was…..then Shane was breaking the rules too.

Ryan decided to test the theory.

"I can imagine murder in the middle of this day right here on the beach" Ryan said, trying to sound intentionally know it all and superior.

"But you can't…..because if you could you'd be scared…"Shane said, drawing the word out to make it more frightening.

Ryan felt a rush of excitement course through him and he had to keep himself from smiling too broadly; he had to act cocky. As opposed to what he really felt; Shane was trying to scare the shit out of him and honestly it was just fucking turning him on…..

"Perhaps then you need to help me imagine it if you think I'm doing it wrong" Ryan said, giving Shane a smart ass smirk, knowing he'd eat it up.

And he did; Shane sat up so quickly his drunken limbs fell a bit before he could get into a sitting position. He didn't do as good a job as Ryan did as hiding his excitement. "Turn around" Shane said.

Ryan didn't even consider where this was going; the sensible man in the bar was gone in a flood of hormones and booze. He turned his back to Shane on the sand…waiting…

Ryan could just FEEL Shane behind him; he wasn't touching him but looming in a way…Ryan could feel his presence and held his breath in anticipation.

"Close your eyes…imagine its dark…night…and you're all alone on the beach. You can hear the waves and nothing else but you just feel you're not alone" Shane whispered, somewhere close to his ear. "The wind is blowing…and you get a chill, half from the cold, half from fear"

And then Shane BLEW on his damn neck…Ryan shuddered but was waiting expectantly for what was next. His eyes were closed and he had to admit he could feel it more now. He was a little creeped out…..but still turned one. Fuck Shane…he'd somehow gotten him to be turned on by fear.

"You're walking down the beach…you can just feel something's behind you" Shane whispered. "You walk as quickly as you can without running because you don't want them to know you know they're there"

Ryan could feel Shane closer to him…he wasn't touching him but he could just tell when he was closer. Ryan felt a chill go down his spine and not even the cloud of coconut and tequila around Shane could break his emersion.

"But…..they're gaining on you and so you do start to run" Shane said, dropping his tone deeper. "You can see your hotel but you know it's too far….you can hear the running footsteps behind you but you just can't turn around and look…..it will make it more REAL."

Ryan was breathing fast, almost as if was running and it wasn't that he was that terrified…he'd been more scared before but he felt dizzy and anxious but not in a bad way.

"And then…..without warning…."

Ryan wasn't prepared; Shane grabbed him, one arm wrapped around his chest, pinning his back to Shane's chest, his other hand pressed hard against Ryan's windpipe, effectively cutting off his breath.

"It's too late…..and now you've got a knife pressed to your throat and though you struggle…..you know you can't do anything about it." Shane breathed, digging his hand so hard into Ryan's throat that he actually chocked.

And Shane wasn't letting go…..and that's when Ryan actually did feel a little bit like he was afraid because…Shane could actually hurt him if he wanted to. Ryan struggled against Shane's grip but couldn't break the contact.

"Holy shit, dude!" Ryan gasped against Shane's hand, and his eyes popped open.

"Good, huh?" Shane asked. "Scared now?"

"Yeah…..yeah….."

Now that Ryan's eyes were opened, his emersion was broken. He was very aware that he very scared and freaked out and somehow still aroused…and that they were on a crowded beach. "Shane…..I think we're uh…..attracting some attention" Ryan said, feeling embarrassed as a group of girls sitting feet from them was clearly watching them and laughing. Oh god…..what if they were on Tumblr? He could hear it now…

Shane was sober enough to be embarrassed. "Oh…..yeah….."he said, letting go of Ryan quickly. An embarrassed glance passed between them before Shane said, "You wanna…..leave?"

"Yeah, I think that would be a good idea" Ryan said, trying not to rub his neck as he was still very aware of the laughing girls.

It was good timing anyway; it was beginning to rain as they made their way back to their hotel. Ryan didn't know why but they thought it was a good idea to get some beers and take them to the hot tub; Ryan knew the last thing they needed was more booze but there was still the embarrassment there and Ryan wanted it to go away.

Ryan was glad to see that the pool was deserted; obviously everyone was still out on the beach. Rather than being afraid of being around Shane alone when he felt like this, he was actually kind of relieved. The incident on the beach sent his head spinning and he didn't want to worry about having an audience to the massive amount of questions he had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has read and commented. Y'all keep me going :)


	5. Chapter 5

Ryan and Shane made a beeline for the hot tub, quickly shedding their t-shirts and sinking into the water. Cracking open a beer and drinking half of it in one drag, Ryan tried to figure out what he was thinking.

He couldn't deny that for whatever reason, he was now attracted to Shane. Somewhere along the way, among haunted houses and fear, among traveling and teasing and making out to ease Ryan's fears, it had become something else. It didn't make sense; Ryan still saw Shane as his best friend, a guy he could give shit, have a beer with and watch endless movies with. But there was something else there….it wasn't like he was suddenly dying to bang Shane or anything but he realized that he wasn't exactly as okay with meaningless making out as he thought. Somewhere along the way, he'd come to need more than that.

He needed to talk about it; he hated that he needed that but he did. He had let this go on for so long he hated that he had let it get this bad but he did. He'd kissed Shane knowing that the one rule was that he couldn't talk about it but he couldn't do it anymore.

He and Shane threw back a few beers quickly, silently. It was only until two full beers later in less than five minutes that Ryan realized that Shane was getting closer to him. Sitting on the steps of the hot tub, feeling the hot water turn his face red, he could feel fingers inching toward his under the water. Shane stopped just as he touched Ryan's fingers. Ryan turned his head just enough to see Shane without really having Shane notice; Shane wasn't looking at him but it was a very pointed not looking at him which led Ryan to believe it was intentional.

Ryan's heart was beating too quickly but he let the alcohol bravely push him to test another theory. When Ryan reached out to grab Shane's hand under the water, he held his breath for all of a second before Shane moved his fingers so that they were now actually holding hands. Well, that was new….Sure, he'd had Shane's tongue practically down his throat but this felt intimate in a different way.

Shane wasn't going to push him away and that realization made Ryan feel bold. As slowly and unnoticeably as he possibly could, Ryan scooted closer to Shane so that their legs were touching under the water. And Shane actually SIGHED; not loud, but loud enough.

"Shane….."Ryan felt like his voice echoed off the pool room's walls even though he was practically whispering. He gave Shane's hand a squeeze and felt a reciprocating squeeze back.

"Yeah….."Shane's voice sounded loud too even though it was quieter than Ryan's. Ryan could see Shane look at him out of the corner of his eye for a second before he looked quickly away. Ryan could feel one of Shane's long fingers graze across the top of his hand. Somehow it simultaneously calmed and amped him up.

Ryan had to ask…he had to but he had to know if Shane was only breaking the rules because he was wasted. "Are you wasted?" Ryan asked because he wasn't going to try to get an answer if he was. Ryan wasn't totally wasted but he was drunk enough to make some questionable choices.

"No" Shane said. He said it so quiet it was like a sigh.

He actually didn't sound wasted; he sounded sober enough though he had to be at the edge like Ryan was. When Ryan scooted as close as he could get without actually sitting in Shane's lap, Shane didn't try to move away.

The sound of heavy summer rain pounded on the hotels windows, a crack of lightening flashed bright, lighting up Shane's features as Ryan studied him; he wasn't pretending not to look now.

"Why were you trying to scare me out there on the beach?" Ryan asked.

Shane wouldn't look at him but he was doing a good job at being totally passive about this whole thing. "You know I like to give you hell. I love to see you jump out of your skin" Shane gave a little laugh but it wasn't RIGHT at all; it was forced and not easy like Shane's humor always was. And it just didn't make sense when they were already holding hands and Ryan was practically in his lap.

"That's not it" Ryan called him out with certainty. "You make me look silly for the cameras. There aren't any cameras now; it's just us. So, what's the real reason?"

Ryan didn't think Shane was ever going to speak; the air was so heavy and tense and Ryan just felt like he needed to do SOMETHING to release it and he tried not to dwell on the rush of heat thinking about what he could do to release it. Or rather, what he WANTED to do to break the tension.

Ryan could almost see the wheels turning in Shane's head as he tried to talk his way out of it. Ryan didn't understand; he was obviously making a statement by holding Ryan's hand, why couldn't he just say what he needed to say? Why were words so much harder for Shane than actions? It wasn't like he was quiet…..he had no trouble calling demons fuckers and telling them to kill him but this somehow was difficult.

"I like you being scared because then I get to calm you down"

It didn't sound like a confession from anyone else but from Shane that's what it was. For whatever reason Shane couldn't say he liked kissing Ryan but that's what it meant. He wanted to scare Ryan because that's the only excuse he had to get to kiss him.

It hit Ryan so hard that he felt instantly sobered up; his stomach felt like it was flying out of his body and his heart was racing. He was dizzy with the heat of the hot tub and a rush of desire but most of all the revelation. The revelation that Shane liked kissing him and Ryan liked it too; the thought that he had no idea why they couldn't do it right now…

"Look at me "Ryan whispered.

Shane seemed to think about it for a long pause but eventually he turned so that he was facing Ryan and Ryan couldn't believe how much he could see in that expression. Fear, vulnerability, hopefulness, need…..somehow they all mixed up into one expression that was its own emotion but still Ryan could read all the individual ones.

Shane was SO CLOSE and Ryan felt like he was getting closer. Ryan thought about all of the times that that face had been this close to his, all the awful locations of those forbidden kisses that were rushed and hurried, stuffed in dirty little closets and musty old houses; they were all rushed because a camera could film them or a ghost might touch them but now there was absolutely nothing to force them to stop and Ryan realized with a slight panic that he wasn't sure he would be able to stop once he started.

Shane's eyes were on his, digging into his so much it sent a jolt to Ryan's lap. Shane reached out and grabbed Ryan's arms but unlike the way he had drunkenly assessed Ryan's muscles in the restaurant, this touch was fierce because it was like he was trying to hold on to something; like he was afraid Ryan was going to disappear or something. Shane leaned forward and Ryan was sure that he was going to kiss him and when he stopped an inch in front of Ryan's face, he was disappointed. It hit Ryan a second later that maybe Shane was thinking the same thing about not being able to stop.

"Shane…..I'm fucking terrified" Ryan said. His voice was shaking with anxiety and need and meaning. He knew that Shane knew him well enough that he could read between the lines. If Shane needed him to be scared to kiss him then he could go right ahead because Ryan was scared shitless. But it wasn't because of a ghost or a demon this time. Shane was the cause of his fear and it was the cure.

When Shane got out of the hot tub without a word, Ryan followed him with his heart racing. Ryan didn't know how they managed to dry off, put their shirts back on and walk down the hallway like nothing was happening; he didn't know how they stood in an elevator full of people and acted normal because Ryan felt like he was going to explode but somehow they did. Even looking at Shane, Ryan thought he looked calm until he could see the beads of sweat on his forehead and how his hand shook slightly trying to unlock their hotel room's door.

Shane went in first and it was no sooner that Ryan had closed the door behind them that Shane was on him, catching him in a tangle of long limbs and lips that made Ryan feel like he was weak in the knees and so dizzy he was glad Shane was there too catch him.

This was SO much more different than all of the other times that this had happened and Ryan knew he was so totally and completely FUCKED…without the pulsing of adrenaline and the nagging in the back of his mind for fear or ghosts or that they were going to get caught by the camera crew…without all of that other shit muddling his mind, he was totally aware of everything else and how desperately and totally he was enjoying this and how much more he needed. Ryan felt like he was being consumed, that he was being completely sucked into the storm that was Shane's need and yet somehow it wasn't still enough…

Shane's arms were wrapped around Ryan's back, not just holding him but almost crushing him with how tightly he was pressed against his chest; Ryan was glad because he might have just fallen over otherwise. Shane's mouth over his own, his tongue wrapped around Ryan's was making Ryan's mind explode with sensation and need and desire and his body warm and feeling like it was melting and crumbling.

Ryan's arms grasped around Shane's back, not so much touching him as holding on for dear life; his fingers were grasping tightly at his shirt but it wasn't enough. He pulled up the back of Shane's shirt so that he could feel his skin and at the press of his fingers against Shane's warm and still slightly damp skin, Ryan felt a gasp ripple from Shane's mouth into his own, making him feel blood rush down to where it should not have been.

Ryan's hands traced along Shane's back, only barely resisting the urge to dig his nails in as wave after wave of desire pummeled him from Shane's tongue in his mouth and his arms crushing him in desperation. When Ryan's hands made their way to Shane's chest, he could feel his heart hammering so hard that if Ryan could think properly he might have been worried he was going to give Shane a damn heart attack. But of course he wasn't thinking….

Ryan was always safe and he always thought things through but now he definitely was not thinking of anything, he was merely existed on feelings and sensations fueled solely on testosterone without a bit of logic thrown in. He wasn't thinking of how dangerous it was when Shane threw off his shirt or how he followed suit. He wasn't thinking about how he could tell Shane was just as hard as he was through his swim trunks where he was pressed against him. He was not thinking about how this was going to end and what it would do to them.

He was just feeling…..and he was simply feeling he needed Shane.

It did scare him a little….he had never needed anyone like he felt needed Shane. That burning, aching, powerful NEED was almost blinding. And it wasn't just the kissing or the way his hands felt like they had actually had to touch Shane….somewhere in the crazy paths of their lives colliding, he had come to need everything about Shane. He needed his goofiness and his humor, he needed his sureness and confidence in dangerous situations, he needed how he felt safe with Shane and needed how much it felt like Shane needed him back.

Like everything else, Ryan did not stop to consider it was a bad idea as Shane pushed him back onto the bed; he only wanted to be completely crushed and consumed by the feel of Shane's weight against him, of Shane's skin against his own…

And that's what he got…..Shane's fingers were in his hair, running through, pulling until Ryan's whole head felt like it was charged with electrical pulses. Shane's legs were wrapped around his waist, straddling him, the rest of his body wrapped over him with pleasant weight and warmth and Ryan was almost insensible with need and want at that sensation. It was nothing like being with a girl; girls were light and soft and smaller…Shane was crushing him into the bed and yet Ryan WANTED that. He'd never had the sensation of being totally wrapped in warmth and passion and that's what he wanted so desperately. And it was good that he wasn't thinking properly because his mind would not have been able to comprehend how he could feel Shane's dick pressed against his own and how that made him reflexively thrust his hips upward, earning him a moan from Shane that Ryan was unlikely to ever forget.

Out of pure desperation and needing to breathe, Shane pulled back slightly, gasping for air, his forehead pressed against Ryan's. But Ryan couldn't STOP…while Shane was trying to breathe, Ryan's lips were pressed against Shane's neck sucking on his pale skin and making it anything but pale which, of course, made Shane effectively lose his breath again. One thing Ryan knew for sure; Shane was LOUD. Gasping, moaning, breathing hard…Shane was very loud and that was something that he would never be able to forget.

Ryan would later look back on what happened next and not know if it was a curse or a blessing but at the time it certainly felt like a curse. With his lips on Shane's neck and Shane insensible above him, a loud, piercing noise rang throughout the room and echoed in the hallway.

The fucking fire alarm…

Unbelievable….

Shane pulled back from Ryan so fast that he felt like a fish yanked out of water. He was gasping for breath as Shane made a hasty retreat off of his body; Ryan had never seen Shane move his super long limbs so fast as he did when he scrambled away from Ryan and toward the door of their hotel room to check on the commotion.

Flinching at the loud searing sound of the alarm's continued ringing, feeling surprisingly ashamed, Ryan quickly sat up on the bed and tried to look normal. Which was, of course, ridiculous considering what he and Shane had just been doing. And what they had been doing was nearly fucking each other.

Shit…..

"What the fuck….."Ryan said, half about the nerve grating sound that was the fire alarm but half about what they had nearly done. Ryan had been into it, obviously; he still had the boner to prove it but didn't stop him from feeling a wave of shame now that the passion was fading off.

"Some damn kid probably pulled the fire alarm" Shane said as he unlocked the door. Ryan wasn't mistaken when he thought he heard annoyance in his voice but there was also the same shame Ryan was feeling. It didn't escape Ryan's notice that Shane would not look at him. It was okay, though; Ryan wasn't sure that he could look at Shane right now.

"Well," Shane said thoughtfully, peering out into the hallway where people were scrambling toward the stairs, "There's smoke…..there must actually be a fire. Guess it's not fake….."

Shane left the room without looking back at or waiting for Ryan and Ryan tried not to let it bother him.

But of course…..he failed at that. Ryan felt like he'd been punched in the stomach.


	6. Chapter 6

It was a very uncomfortable evening. It was still raining so by the time that Ryan made it outside there were dozens of people trying to crowd around under the hotel's awning to stay out of the downpour. After a quick scan of the crowd, Ryan located Shane as one of the few people not trying to stay out of the rain. It made Ryan feel a little sick, actually, looking at Shane in the rain. He was just standing there…he had that deep, smart, thinking Shane look as if he was just deep in thought but Ryan could see what probably no one else could see; the little sad turn on his lips, the slight frown that told him he was thinking about something he couldn't fix. Not to mention he was standing out in the rain by himself which was pathetic. Though, if he was feeling at all like Ryan was, he rain was probably giving him a much needed cold shower feeling.

Steeling his nerves, Ryan walked over to Shane. Shane pretended not to notice him but Ryan could see his eyes flicker to the side when he walked up.

"Are you okay?" Ryan asked, hating that his voice cracked a little bit. Please say you're not…please say I'm not crazy for feeling crazy, Ryan silently pleaded. He tried and failed to not focus on the bluish red bruise already forming on Shane's neck. The one he had put there…..

When Shane turned to look at him, there was nothing there. Nothing on his face, nothing in eyes…..nothing but emptiness. "Why wouldn't I be okay?" he said, his voice deadpan, flat…as if nothing had happened.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Ryan asked, anger clouding his words and his thoughts for the first time. "After what just happened?"

"What about it?" Shane asked flatly.

The anger increased and Ryan welcomed it. It was better than the throbbing hurt that he was trying to keep at bay. What had just happened was not all his fault; Shane had wanted it too. If anything, he was MORE to blame because he'd initiated it. And now he was going to act like it hadn't happened? Ryan felt CHEAP…..

Fuck you, Shane…Ryan thought bitterly but thankfully didn't say it.

"You know that was DIFFERENT than all the other times. I'm not stupid…I could FEEL it" Ryan said, pouring meaning into the words. He could feel how desperate Shane was emotionally during that and he could feel his physical need painfully obvious. It was the first time either one of them had mentioned their weird trysts in any real way and the reaction was obvious.

Ryan was pleased to see Shane actually flushed red, blush doting his pale cheeks; good, he wasn't a total robot. He looked hastily around, as if afraid someone would be listening in, as if someone would know what he was talking about even though Ryan was really vague about it.

"This is not the place to talk about this…what if someone over hears us? What will they think?" Shane asked, anger coloring his words, giving Ryan a glare before walking away from him to where their coworkers had made an appearance under the hotel's awning. He watched Shane proceed to begin talking to them and laughing as if nothing had ever happened.

I don't care what everyone thinks…I care what YOU think…Ryan thought desperately. It was the first time Ryan had ever hated what he did for a living. The show he and Shane did was his project and he loved it so much despite the fact that it terrified him sometimes. He loved researching things he cared about, he loved working with Shane and he even loved the popularity that it had given them. But that popularity gave you the sense sometimes that everything you did, every word you said, every look was analyzed and studied by people and really it often was. But right at this moment, he didn't want anyone looking at him; he felt like something major was happening to him. It felt so private and he didn't want to share it with anyone. And he hated the world for making Shane feel like he couldn't just talk to him.

Ryan couldn't be normal right then; he simply couldn't put on the social mask like Shane could. Shane was good at hiding his feelings. Ryan knew he well enough to know that Shane was deep; he hid it well but he was very deep but he had an amazing ability to act like he didn't give a shit. Ryan didn't have that; he wore his emotions on his sleeve. And right now his sleeve must surely being showing pulsing anger and deep, deep hurt.

He didn't join everyone else; right now he hated everyone and couldn't stand the idea of talking to anyone. So, he just started walking. He wanted to go to the beach but because of the lightening, it was closed. Now he was angry at the weather too as he began to miserably walk down the street.

He felt like doing nothing…..he didn't want to eat, he didn't want to get wasted…he didn't even want to be in a public space with other humans. So, he just walked down the street until his legs hurt and night was coming on.

Shane wasn't this cruel; Ryan knew he wasn't. He didn't have one night stands, he didn't use people; he was not that kind of guy. So why did Ryan feel exactly like that was what he had done? They hadn't had sex but the definition of their relationship was completely altered after this. It was exactly what Ryan had been afraid of. Shane was first and foremost his friend and he never wanted lust as fleeting as it was and as much as he denied it to ruin that. But it had…he felt like Shane had pushed him and against his better judgement he had let himself fall into the fire and he'd gotten burned.

Even as Ryan thought it, he knew it was an unfair thought. Shane hadn't pushed him; he hadn't pressured him into doing anything that he didn't want to do. Sure, maybe Shane had kissed him first but he had WANTED him to. This was totally consensual and that's what made Ryan angry at himself as much as everyone else. If his relationship with Shane was ruined, it was because he got greedy and helped to ruin it.

That still didn't stop Ryan from being angry at Shane for trying to dismiss it. Maybe Ryan had kissed Shane back, maybe he was even okay with the direction of where all that kissing was leading to…..but he was also okay with discussing it. He knew they HAD to discuss it…

Luckily, the fire at the hotel had been minor and after a few hours everyone was allowed back in. Because the fire had been on their floor, he and Shane had to move to a different room. Ryan wasn't surprised to find Shane was nowhere to be found when he went to retrieve their belongings and move rooms; finding his phone where he had left it on the nightstand he saw several texts from his coworkers, asking him to join them for dinner followed by ones that were alarmed that had wasn't answering. Ryan tried but he couldn't bear to answer any of them; not a single one was from Shane.

Gathering up his and Shane's t-shirts from the floor where they had hastily discarded them earlier, Ryan had to sit on the edge of the bed to catch his bearings. He felt like he wanted to scream, the punch the wall, to cry, puke…..all wrapped into one giant all-consuming emotion. What if the fire hadn't happened? Would he and Shane actually have gone through with it? Would they have had sex? Even asking himself this, Ryan knew the answer; they wouldn't have stopped. Ryan felt sick…what if they had actually had sex? It would have been a MAJOR deal to Ryan. He wasn't a causal sex kind of person…and he certainly never had had sex with another dude. He wasn't even sure what to think about the fact that he was even thinking about it…But would it have meant that much to Shane?

He's not a dick…..he doesn't do one night stands…Ryan thought immediately; even his subconscious was defending Shane for Christ sake…

But really…..what did he know about what kind of lover Shane was? Jack shit, apparently…sure, he was always respectful to women and girls always said he was sweet. But as far as sex? Of course he knew nothing because they were friends but not the kind of friends that gave each a step by step playback of sex they'd had.

Ryan gathered up their things and quickly moved to another room; honestly it was a blessing so he didn't have to stay in a room that now felt like the scene of a crime. He sent Shane a perfunctory text that simply said, They moved us to room 230, nothing else. He could see when Shane viewed it three minutes later and did not respond.

Ryan didn't feel like eating despite the fact that his stomach was rumbling. Out of spite he drank the ridiculously overpriced booze in the mini fridge along with five candy bars while he lay on the bed and watched TV. After it was he felt thoroughly disgusted with himself and was already worrying about having to make an excuse for the outrageous hotel bill. Feeling like shit and ready to be done with this godawful day, Ryan went to sleep while there was still no sign of Shane.

….

The next morning Ryan woke immediately feeling like garbage warmed over. Before he even opened his eyes he felt sore and achy and could tell all the booze and junk from yesterday had done a number on his stomach. He could hear the distant sound of water running and it took him a moment to recall where he was and what had happened; he had truly slept the sleep of the dead. He opened his eyes and squinted at bright, beautiful Florida sunshine streaming through the window. One glance at the bed next to his showed tousled sheets but it was empty and a glance toward the bathroom showed a light on and the sound of running water. Shane was already up.

Ryan pushed himself up to a sitting position trying desperately to think what to say to Shane. They had a shoot today; in less than an hour they were supposed to be on the beach shooting and the thought was enough to make Ryan want to jump out a window. How…..HOW was he supposed to act normal after yesterday?

Shane emerged from the bathroom looking totally normal. Dressed in new swim trunks and a t-shirt, his hair freshly washed and combed….even his eyes looked bright and energetic and fucking NORMAL….he wasn't hungover, he hadn't lost sleep…it was almost enough to make Ryan think he'd dreamed the whole thing up.

Shane walked to the window, fully cranking the curtains open to expose the blinding sunlight bouncing off the ocean waves. Ryan squinted against it as Shane turned around and met his eyes.

"Dude….you need to get up. We're supposed to be on the beach in half an hour" Shane said carefully before flopping down on his bed, long limns flailing.

It was like some kind of alternate reality….Ryan felt like he had been plucked from the current day and tossed back in time a year ago when he and Shane barely knew each other. What the hell was wrong him? Everyone was always joking on the internet that Shane was a demon and Ryan always found that unfair. But now…..right in this moment…Ryan felt he had to be some creature other than a human to possibly act so damn normal…

"I feel like shit….."Ryan said. He didn't know why he said it other than that's what he felt but it wasn't what he wanted to say.

"You drank a hell of a lot yesterday; you probably have a hangover" Shane said normally. He was sitting on the edge of the bed eating, of all things, Twizzlers. At 9:30…Where did he even get them, Ryan wondered…..and then he remembered the opened mini fridge and his own binge last night.

He didn't even feel like it was a hangover really…he felt like garbage but it was more than that. The awkwardness and sadness he felt was setting into his chest, making his emotions heavy like physical sickness. And if he WAS hungover, why shouldn't Shane be too? He'd had way more of those dumb ass drinks yesterday…

"I know what a fucking hangover feels like and I don't have one" Ryan said with way more vehemence than he meant. Somehow all his bitterness and resentment was poured into that one phrase.

Shane did have the graciousness to look surprised; his eyes got big as Ryan barked at him. But he was still chewing on that stupid licorice so he looked ridiculous rather than embarrassed. "Okay…."Shane said, getting off the bed, drawing out the word in surprise. "I'd say you aren't you when you're hungry but it looks like you've had enough of that already" Shane kicked a stray Snickers wrapper across the floor in his hasty retreat to leave angry Ryan alone. "You probably need to take a shit"

Well, he DID but that was NOT his major problem right now. Ryan hated that Shane was making jokes at a time like this…..he tried to throw a pillow at him but Shane was long gone and Ryan had nothing else to do but get up and get ready for the day.

Half an hour later Ryan was freshly showered and dressed but still feeling like trash, making his way across the burning sand and crowds to the more rocky and less populated part of the beach that had been the murder site. For a moment, he felt bad for being so damn selfish that he still wanted gratification from Shane when he was standing where five people had been violently murdered. But then he saw Shane and he was back to thinking about Shane and his damn fear tactics and how fiercely he had kissed him….

And how he had broken his heart…

That thought was so unexpected, so…so…needy and ridiculous that Ryan wanted to instantly dismiss it. It sounded like something a romance novel would say…..did anyone really describe their hurt feelings as a broken heart? But was it a real thing? Was that why his chest hurt so much that it felt like it was leaking pain into his stomach? Was that why he couldn't look at Shane without feeling sad?

Ryan felt like he was having an out of body experience. He was standing on a beautiful beach, full of heat and sunshine while his coworkers laughed and talked and yet he was feeling so alone and desperate he might as well have been floating through space.

"Hey! Maybe Ryan can solve the mystery for us?"

Ryan heard the words but he cringed at the thought of solving anything right now. Sure, mysteries were normally his thing but they weren't when they were about his own feelings and he thought that was enough for now.

Everyone was laughing and Shane was at the center. Ryan cringed; did he even WANT to know what they were talking about? No, no he didn't but he had to act normal. He had a job to do so he might as well act normal starting now.

"What mystery?" Ryan asked, trying to sound curious. It actually sounded pretty convincing.

"Shane's got this amazing hickie but he won't tell us where he got it. Dude's here one day and he's already got chicks crawling all over him"

Ryan cringed; he actually felt sick to his stomach. For a moment he genuinely thought he'd puke. He made sure Shane caught his eye and when he did, at least Shane had the decency to look embarrassed.

I did that…..I guess I'm a fucking chick now…..though he was crawling all over ME to be honest….so…..there's that…was what Ryan thought. He knew enough not to say it out loud. But he did feel sick and a bit embarrassed that everyone kept commenting on what was essentially his handiwork and that Shane did not try to stop it. Ryan got a bit of twisted satisfaction that Shane did make sure to pull up the collar on his t-shirt to make sure it was covered up before they started filming.

Ryan never wanted to let his personal issues get in the way of his work and he really tried to act normal. But unfortunately, what made their videos so interesting and funny was his and Shane's chemistry and it seemed that that couldn't be manufactured. And Ryan even TRIED to be funny; he even tried to laugh about Shane's stupid jokes. But he could tell he was coming up short….he could see it on Shane's face, he could see it on everyone else's faces…this episode was falling flat on its face.

But somewhere around Shane's tenth lame joke Ryan realized he did not care. Right now, he really did not give a rat's ass if the episode was failing. He was hungry, he was tired, and he felt like shit…all he could think about was how much his chest hurt every time he looked at Shane and how much pressure he felt to be funny and charismatic and how every time everyone looked at him like what he said was the dumbest shit ever. It was too much all at once…

What will people think? What will people think? WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK? Echoed in his head in Shane's voice in his head like yesterday…..Ryan's throat was getting tighter and hotter and his eyes were burning and if he did not get OUT now…he was might actually strangle Shane right here and now.

Shane was rambling about something, Ryan didn't even know what, when he lost it finally; Ryan felt like there was a rushing wind in his ears, a swirling hot fire in his stomach…..his hands were shaking and he felt like he might have a panic attack but instead of his freezing up, he ended up screaming at Shane instead.

Right in the middle one of their videos….like a freaking pysco…..

"Oh my GOD! Will you just shut the FUCK UP?!"Ryan screamed.

It surprised everyone, Ryan included; he didn't know how he could stop it and it seemed it couldn't. The crew was staring at him opened mouthed and stunned; they dropped the camera down and looked him like they didn't even know him. Ryan never lost it like that but he just…..couldn't….stop. It was so unlike him to have such an outburst but he was just simply….DONE.

Shane was absolutely shocked; he turned toward Ryan and his eyes were bugging out of his head, his mouth was hanging open and he genuinely acted like he had no idea where this was coming from. Shane's dumb, stupid, ignorant face, when Ryan knew he was smart enough to know exactly what was going on, enraged Ryan further.

"Um…..WHAT?" Shane burst out, confusion etched on his face. Ryan could see Shane rifling through his huge head for a more coherent response but he came up short from his surprise.

"I said just shut the fuck up!" Ryan almost screamed at Shane, feeling hot and angry and for once, damn POWERFUL…he'd felt so absolutely powerless lately but he gained strength from everyone's shock.

"I mean…..for fuck's sake! You're always talking about something…always rattling off some goddamn nonsense but you never talk about anything that MATTERS!" Ryan knew he was screaming, was even vaguely aware of people on the beach watching him but he just….didn't…..care. Shane was looking at him, actually properly LOOKING at him for the first time since they'd made out yesterday and that's all he cared about right now.

"Ryan….."Shane said, shifting uncomfortably, bouncing on his feet, his eyes darting to the crew and all the people looking at him. "What…..uh…what are you talking about?"

Shane looked at him like he was on drugs or something but Ryan didn't care. He was finally going to MAKE Shane listen to him…

"You KNOW what I'm talking about!" Ryan screamed, "I mean, I know you said yesterday it wasn't a good time to talk about it…but WHEN is it going to be a FUCKING good time for YOU? Because it's a good time for ME…RIGHT NOW!"

Ryan had never seen Shane look so red and embarrassed….he was pleased.

"Ryan….I think you need to calm down….."Shane said nervously, holding his hands out as if Ryan had a gun or something. He was looking at everyone, flushing nervously…

"What's the matter, Shane?" Ryan said, moving closer toward Shane even though he was actively backing up, "What's the matter? Afraid someone might found out what we did last night!?"

In retrospect, it was the absolute worst way to talk about this. He'd really wanted to have a calm, level headed discussion about this and now he'd clearly lost all chances of that. Shane looked pale as the ghosts he did not believe in; he glanced at everyone else, sweating bullets. Everyone watching them looked uncomfortable and as if they were trying to pretend not to be there.

"Excuse us for a minute" Shane said cordially to the crew before grabbing Ryan roughly by the arm. Ryan had no fight left in him; he let Shane effectively drag him down the beach.

When they got to a place that was mostly deserted, behind a bunch of rocks, the sand littered with seaweed, Shane stopped, turned on Ryan and now he was the one that looked angry.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Ryan? Really? Making a scene during a video?" Shane asked. He was angry but somehow he was able to maintain a rational tone as he spoke. It was enough to make Ryan feel slightly ashamed of his outburst. But, only slightly….

Ryan had no patience for this calmness… "I don't know, Shane…..what the hell was I supposed to do?" Ryan asked. "I tried to talk to you yesterday like a rational human being but you wouldn't talk about it. I NEED to talk about it….I'm going crazy, dude…I have no idea what is going on in your head….."

Ryan was trying for transparency, hoping that if he was honest, Shane would do the same. He was almost insane with the questions that did not have answers. Surely Shane had to be feeling at least some of the same. Ryan knew Shane felt something in that huge noggin of his; he wasn't as emotionless as he sometimes pretended to be. Ryan had FELT his desperation and his need yesterday….why was he resisting?

Shane didn't exactly look deadpan, but he might have well been; Ryan couldn't read anything on his face and that was not a good sign…

"I don't WANT to talk about it Ryan" Shane said desperately, looking flustered and embarrassed.

Ryan wished that Shane had just punched him in the face; it would have been less painful than hearing that. Shane didn't want to talk about it. Shane wasn't constantly thinking about what had happened; he wasn't worried about how Ryan felt about the fact that they nearly FUCKED each other. He just simply did not care which made Ryan feel a million times worse because he DID care very much.

Ryan had to swallow several times before he could speak without showing his emotion. If Shane didn't care about how he felt, he didn't want to show him how much he was hurting.

"Why?" Ryan asked because he just had to know even if he hated himself for asking it. "You don't care about what happened?"

Ryan felt like a girl because that's what he knew he sounded like. Ryan had never been in this position before though; his relationships had always ended mostly on good terms and he'd never had anyone lead him on the way he felt Shane had. He'd never felt used…which is exactly what Shane made him feel like now. He hated that he even had to ask these questions in the first place. He'd known what they were doing and he was just as liable but at least HE was talking about it…

Shane was fighting his thoughts; Ryan could tell by the redness on in his cheeks, the way his eyes darted around, and the way he was pacing. It's almost like he wanted to say something but was making himself not say it and that drove Ryan crazy.

"It DID mean something to me…"Shane said at first, uncertainly.

Ryan froze; Shane was actually looking into his eyes and he actually looked like he cared. Ryan felt hope; he wanted to reach out to Shane, wanted to say something but he couldn't. He just waited…..hopeful that this wasn't a going to be a total disaster.

"But we were just fucking around, man….."

He said it like it didn't mean anything…..like Ryan was a small child that simply didn't understand something complicated and adult and was getting overly upset about it. Ryan could not have felt shittier if he tried…

To Shane it meant nothing…they were just 'fucking around'. He said it like they were watching movies or going to a bar…..as if it was reactional activity. Ryan supposed that was what it was for Shane…..kissing him was no different than just hanging out even though even thinking that made Ryan fell crazy. The fact that they had almost fucked this time didn't seem to matter to Shane. Maybe that would be just 'fucking around' to him too, quite literally.

Ryan's head felt hot; he felt like he was going to explode. Anger coursed through his blood like poison, making the sick feeling in his stomach grow. He clenched his fists and wished that he could punch Shane; it might make him feel better for a second. But despite how angry he was, he couldn't make himself do it.

"This is fucking unbelievable….."Ryan said, shaking his head before glaring at Shane. "That was a totally shitty thing to do"

Shane looked angry. "Oh? Was it, really?" he said, his words dripping malice. "I don't recall you complaining before."

Shane's arms were crossed over his chest, his eyes studying Ryan….what the hell was he looking for? Shane didn't just look at things like everyone else; he studied them meticulously pulling out little details. So, what was he looking for? Was he looking for Ryan to care? Was he hoping for Ryan to just blow it off? Ryan didn't know…..all he knew was that he didn't like the insinuation that what happened was somehow Ryan's fault or that Shane was merely humoring him…

"I wasn't…."Ryan said, through anger clenched teeth, "but I think yesterday was a little different than all those other times. Tell me this, Shane, what would have happened yesterday if that fire didn't interrupt us?"

It wasn't the best way to get Shane to talk; Ryan knew that. He knew it as soon as he saw Shane's face drain of color and his expression set. He wasn't studying him any longer; his eyes were empty looking which was worse. But he knew…..Ryan knew that he knew what would have happened.

"I don't know what you want me to say….."Shane said, his tone and face expressionless.

Ryan hated it….Shane had nothing to say and what he had said implied that whatever he would say would be something to placate Ryan only. Not something he really felt…..

I want you to say that I'm not crazy for wanting to kiss you…I want you to say that you care about me…I want you to admit you have feelings for me…I want to you to say that all of that wasn't just meaningless…I want you to say that we haven't totally fucked up our friendship…

There were a million things that Ryan could have said and he wanted to say. But of course, he didn't; he let the anger, hurt and rejection and Shane's calm, passive face get to him and ruined what could have been the chance for a rational discussion.

"Fuck you, Shane!" Ryan burst out, feeling out of control again, "Fuck you! I'm not sure why I thought you could talk about this like a normal human being! Everything is a fucking joke to you! You don't care about anyone but yourself! Go fuck yourself!"

Ryan didn't wait for a response; seeing Shane's impassive face even in the light of such abuse made him realize that it was pointless to wait for a response. It was only after he'd jogged down the beach so fast and for so long he simply fell to his knees in exhaustion, his anger spent, that he wondered if he'd seen a small bit of sadness on Shane's face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please dont hate on my boy Shane, he's got his reasons, he will explain :) The next chapter will be the last so prepare for some fluffiness after all of this angst!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is the last chapter and hopefully you all like it :) thanks so much to everyone who read and left nice comments. I really enjoyed writing this fic and hopefully I'll be back with another Buzzfeed fic shortly!

Ryan was really starting to feel depressed; the situation with Shane had gone from uncomfortable to what he was afraid was unfixable.

After Ryan had calmed down enough to appear half way normal, he walked back to where they were supposed to be shooting on the beach, profusely apologizing for his outburst. His anger had all but fizzled out, only to be replaced by an awful emptiness, and he felt ashamed of himself. Everyone told him it was okay; everyone but Shane who was just staring at the sand. Ryan didn't feel like it was okay.

They shouldered on with the shoot but it was dreadful. No one said it but everyone KNEW it was. Whereas before Ryan's outburst, Shane kept making jokes and Ryan tried to laugh at them, now neither one of them said anything remotely funny and they were just rattling off the events of the crime like they were kids putting on a CSI play. Kids that couldn't act and hated each other…It was cringe worthy and he could only imagine them adding in the banter later at the studio. There was next to no chance of there being any of the now famous 'wheeze' moments in it. Nothing was funny right now…

When it was over he and Shane went their separate ways. Ryan didn't even try to stop Shane; he knew he messed up but he didn't know what to say. So, he did the totally irresponsible thing and went to the hotel bar and got wasted on those damn 'ghost kiss' drinks and tried to make the emptiness go away. It didn't….he just got more and more annoyed by the rowdy spring break kids until he had to go back up to the room.

Shane was already asleep which wasn't a good sign because it was only 7:30. Ryan was sure he was faking at first; he was curled up on top of the covers, his glasses still on while the TV drowned some action movie with blaring explosions. But he was also snoring loud enough to wake the dead and Ryan knew him well enough to know that it was a real snore. He didn't know whether to be relieved or upset that he didn't have to talk to Shane.

Ryan carefully took Shane's glasses off and put them on the nightstand before throwing a blanket over top of him.

There was a time he would have shut off the lights without a second thought but now he couldn't help but look at Shane and notice a million little things about him. How his breath smelled like a cloud of whisky with some faint peppermint to try to mask it, the way the bruise on his neck peeked out of the stretched out collar of his t-shirt, the way his long fingers gripped the pillow too tightly, the way he looked sad…he noticed a million things and how they all made him feel. And they made him feel so sad he wanted all this to go away.

Eventually, though, he did turn off the light and crawl into his own bed. He wasn't the least bit tired but he hoped that the alcohol might carry him into oblivion. Instead, all he could do was think….think….think…

I wish we'd never done this, Ryan thought bitterly. He wished he and Shane had never started fooling around because now they couldn't even look at each other. He kept telling himself that he hated this whole business and that he wished it had never happened. He tried to convince himself that the only answer was to brush the whole thing under the rug as if it hadn't happened and continue on how they always had.

Of course, all of that was a load of shit…

He really didn't wish that he and Shane hadn't started messing around. The only reason that he had continued doing it in the first place was because he liked it; and he liked it more than he'd let himself admit. That was just the plain truth….he liked the kissing, he liked where it was going yesterday…he liked how it made him simultaneously calm and excited at the same time. He liked how he kept thinking about the last time, while still looking forward to the next. Thinking there would always be a next time…..

So, if he didn't regret what happened, if he didn't want to stop, and then what did he want? He didn't know exactly but he did know that he wanted…..MORE. The idea that he was attracted to Shane and wanted more from their relationship absolutely terrified him in some ways….but it was the truth. He knew he wanted to kiss Shane more, knew he was happier with him than anyone else, knew he made him feel things that he hadn't felt before and that was a really good reason to give whatever this was a chance.

But….was there a chance? Had they totally fucked this up beyond salvage? Did Shane even want to salvage it? Ryan had no idea….he certainly acted like he had enjoyed it all along but then he said they were just messing around? He refused to talk about and yet he seemed sad when Ryan yelled at him…..Ryan would not be able to decipher Shane's mindset. The only answer was that he was going to have speak up and tell him what he was thinking, ask whether he wanted more…..or whether he genuinely wanted to forget it happened.

Ryan went to sleep to the sound of Shane's snoring, his stomach in knots.

….

The next couple of days were torture. Ryan tried to get Shane to talk to him the next day; they were stuck on a flight all the way from Florida and the awkward silence was completely unbearable. But Shane wouldn't speak to him. Ryan couldn't necessarily blame him; a crowded plane wasn't really the place for such a conversation but still…Ryan felt miserable. Sitting next to Shane for hours in silence, wishing they could just be their old selves, watching movies and goofing off, Ryan had never felt lonelier.

It was no better when they got home. Shane avoided his calls and texts all weekend; Ryan even got so desperate as to go over to his apartment, hoping Shane would answer. He didn't even though Ryan kept knocking for fifteen minutes and he knew he could hear the television on inside. Ryan didn't know what else to do so he was left to go home and hope that he could corner him at work. It was a very long weekend.

When Ryan made it to work on Monday, Shane wasn't there. For half an hour Ryan grew more and more paranoid that Shane simply wasn't going to show up. But, then he came stumbling through the door, t-shirt rumpled, hair a mess and looking flustered. He dumped himself into his desk chair next to Ryan, avoiding his eyes and saying nothing.

He looked terrible….though Ryan shouldn't have been happy about that, he was, kind of. Not that he wanted Shane to be in pain or sad but if he was then it showed that he wasn't totally unaffected. Ryan thought about his own weekend of broken sleep and cases of beers, of unshaved stubble and obsessing through Shane's Instagram just to feel like he was connected to him somehow and felt like he was looking in the mirror. Shane did NOT look okay….he looked like he hadn't showered and his clothes were rumpled like he'd slept in them and Ryan thought he looked more than a little hungover. Ryan didn't understand….if Shane was so damn upset then why wouldn't he talk to him? Ryan had sent him a dozen texts asking him to call him or to go and get a beer and talk this over. Why didn't he respond?

"Dude…..are you okay?" Ryan found himself asking before he could tell himself not to. It was just too painful to look at Shane slumped over his computer sipping his coffee like it was a life line. Ryan kept picturing Shane how he looked when they first got to Florida and they were sitting in the bar; how happy he was, how much he laughed, how he teased and challenged Ryan…how he'd done all the things that he had always done but it was so much MORE. It was more because Ryan had realized in that moment, without admitting it at the time, how he wanted nothing more than to be with this brilliant, goofy loser for forever. Ryan felt like he was going to puke thinking of it.

"I'm fine" was all Shane said, staring at his computer as if it was the most brilliant thing ever when really it was just his e-mail.

"You don't look fine. You like shit" Ryan said. He realized too late is sounded blunt…..and rude. He didn't mean it to; he was just still thinking of that happy, easy going guy on the beach with him, trying to scare the shit out of him.

Shane swiveled his chair around just enough to glare at Ryan. "Thanks" he said sarcastically. "You know, you don't look all that great yourself"

The office around them swirled with activity; people talking, laughing, getting coffee, filming each other on their phones…it felt like Shane and him were in the eye of the storm of it all. The only two people in the whole office who were utterly miserable.

Ryan scooted his chair close to Shane so he could whisper to him. "Where the hell have you been all weekend? I've been trying to call you" he said.

Shane still didn't look at him even though he was only inches away. "I was busy" Shane said simply. It was enough to make Ryan want to scream.

Shane had NOT been busy; Ryan would have bet the world that he was sitting in his flat alone binge watching Frasier and getting wasted just like Ryan. He was avoiding Ryan…but WHY? Ryan could tell looking at him now that he cared, obviously, so why was he acting like he didn't?

"No, you weren't…I know you were at home. I came by and I know you were there you just didn't answer" Ryan called him out in the loudest whisper he could manage.

"Seems like you're really getting into the theories now" Shane said, heavy with sarcasm. Sounding like real prick, honestly….he was even giving him a shit eating grin. "Theory one…..Shane couldn't possibly have a life and been busy doing things. Theory two…Shane was busy pining away at home over Ryan. Theory three…..Shane's a big asshole who doesn't care about anyone but his self. Theory four….."

But whatever 'theory four' was supposed to be, Shane didn't get to it. Ryan could feel something big and heavy growing in his chest with each stupid theory…but that last one…that got to Ryan. That was pointed; that had meaning. That was what Ryan had told him; he had accused Shane of not caring about anyone but himself when he could clearly see that was not the case. Shane DID care but maybe he just couldn't be the one to say it first…the whole mess of lust and sadness and happiness and need and loss that was this past week swirled in Ryan's chest like a hurricane before bursting from his mouth like a word volcano.

"Would you just shut up so I can tell you how much I love you, you big idiot!"

Ryan hadn't meant to yell it but he had; it was just like his outburst on the beach. The whirl of activity in the office ceased to a halt and everyone was staring at Ryan in surprise but he didn't notice it; all he noticed was the shocked look in Shane's eyes. His face had dropped in surprise for several seconds before a grin began to spread across his lips.

Shane glanced around at all their coworkers staring at them, trying not to smile but failing. "Let's go into the other room" he said, standing up as everyone snickered and whispered behind their hands.

Ryan's heart was racing inside his chest as he followed Shane. He didn't know whether to be terrified or excited; he was quite sure that he was overwhelmed by both. He'd told Shane that he loved him; there was no going back from that. It was kind of a relief…he' d said what had apparently been ruminating in his confused head for weeks and now there was no taking it back. Shane had to accept it or reject it and then it would all be over.

Shane went into the room where they shot the post mortems which was thankfully completely deserted. Ryan shut the door behind them and when he tried to look at Shane, who was sitting perched on the end of their desk, he was smiling. Not a little smirk or grin…but one of those wide, whole face, totally and completely happy smiles; the kind of smile that Ryan had missed seeing ever since the incident at the hotel.

"Do you mean that?" Shane asked after several mind bendingly quiet moments passed. "What you said…do you really…?"

Do you really love me? The words were unsaid but Ryan knew that's what he was trying to say.

Did he? He'd said it without hesitation before he'd ever admitted it to himself. For days he'd done literally nothing but try to figure out how he felt and he'd never been able to put it in words. He'd put so much time and mental energy into placing what that all-consuming feeling swirling in his chest was when he was around Shane; what the awful aching feeling was when he was gone. He'd put so much energy into it…and he'd only been able to place it when he stopped trying.

"Yeah…I do….I mean, of course I do" Ryan said. His words were falling all over themselves as he fought his thundering heart and hard to catch breath. Excitement flooded his veins tinged with a hesitancy.

Until he saw Shane's face…it lit up like a Christmas tree. Ryan did not think he'd ever seen Shane look that happy before. And that's what gave Ryan the bravery to continue.

"I mean, I should have left off the idiot part but yeah…..I do love you" Ryan said. The words sounded foreign, like he couldn't believe that he was saying it but knowing that it was true nonetheless. It was so strange but in such a good way; like he could finally breathe properly for the first time in months.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Shane asked. It was a tone that Ryan had never heard before. Relief but also…..surprise. He had wanted Ryan to say all of this but he was surprised that he did. Surprised that Ryan cared about him…Ryan felt like it should have been obvious but looking back on his behavior he supposed that he hadn't exactly been showing it lately.

"Because I'm an idiot…..and it took me a long time to figure it out." Ryan said, "I was really confused…..can you blame me, dude? You started kissing me out of nowhere and then we'd never talk about it. I mean…how come you started doing that?"

Ryan didn't know what kind of answer he was expecting; maybe some off hand response he was trying to shut him up or that he just liked making out or something. It wasn't what ended up happening.

"I kissed you at that demon house because that's when I realized that I loved you" Shane said. He seemed a bit shy, looking at Ryan out of the corner of his eye but his tone was genuine.

Ryan had to lean against the door at that part, feeling a bit weak; not just the fact that Shane had said' I love you' which was enough to make his brain completely melt but also the fact that he'd felt like that since the demon house. That was months ago…MONTHS…..that they could have avoided all the sneaking and uncertainty…

"Why didn't you tell me then?" Ryan asked. "Why have you been avoiding me all this time?"

Shane gave him a typical 'really, Ryan?' look before responding. "I'm not good with this stuff…you know that." He said. "Honestly…I didn't know what to say and even if I did I thought I'd freak you out. After you kept letting me kiss you I figured maybe you were warming up to the idea"

Ryan couldn't help it; he started laughing. Maybe it was ill timed; actually it was really ill timed. But he couldn't help it….he was so relieved he could feel his hands and legs shaking. He was so relived and frankly the whole idea of all of this was hilarious and somehow so stupidly THEM. Shane had realized he loved him at a demon infested hell hole…..how perfect.

"What's so funny?" Shane asked, looking a bit put out and worried Ryan was making fun of him.

"You realized that you loved me at a demon house? I'm sorry…that's just…perfect" Ryan said, trying to stem his laughter.

Shane still looked serious. "Well, yeah…"he said slowly, "I mean…..seeing you so upset and hurt…..because of something I did…I realized that I didn't want that to ever happen again…I never wanted you to hurt again…..and certainly not because of me. "

Ryan stopped laughing immediately; what had been so funny only seconds ago was now making his legs and hands feel like they were melting. Warmth exploded in his chest, blood rushed to his head and made him feel dizzy. It WAS hilarious that Shane would fall in love with him in some godforsaken hell hole…but it was NOT hilarious that Shane would fall in love with him. That…..that this smart, sarcastic, brash but somehow sensitive giant goof would fall in love with him was not funny. It was just AMAZING…..

"Can I fucking kiss you right now?" it seemed that Ryan was now plagued by an explosive mouth where it came to Shane; it was so common now that he just expected it. At least this time it wasn't something hateful or embarrassing that came out; this was something he was glad came out. Because Ryan knew he wanted it…..and by the goofy smile on Shane's face, he wanted it too.

"Yeah…of course you can" Shane said with that goofy, shy endearing smile that Ryan was coming to absolutely love. Ryan was also beginning to suspect that that smile was one that was reserved for him.

It was such a fucking relief….it was such a relief to let himself admit that he cared about Shane….it was such a relief that Shane felt the same way. It was such a relief that after months of trying to deny his feelings about Shane…..after so desperately wanting to kiss Shane but feeling he had to pretend he didn't even to himself…..that now he could admit it not only to himself but Shane. And Shane seemed thrilled about it….

It was not their first kiss by a long stretch of the imagination but in many ways it felt like it was. It was the first kiss they both acknowledged…it was the first one that they both admitted was happening and that they both admitted they wanted….it was the first one they did not in secret or undercover…..the first one that really meant something.

Ryan was on Shane in a fraction of a second. While Shane had always towered over him, with Shane sitting on the desk Ryan got to be the one to enjoy the sensation of smothering Shane. Arms wrapped around him, lips entangled…..Ryan could feel his chest pressed against Shane's and could feel the hammering of his heart; Ryan could feel it mirrored in his own chest and for once it wasn't because of something terrifying or forbidden…..it was simply because they were so fucking excited.

Ryan wrapped his arms around Shane, holding him close to his chest; he felt warm and huge in his arms but Ryan knew he would never make fun of Shane's Sasquatch size again because…..fuck…..was it nice. It was so nice to be consumed by Shane's size…so nice to try to wrap him up despite his size….all of it was just so nice.

This kiss wasn't fast or furious or hurried; this was the first one that didn't feel like it had to be rushed because of danger or because it was totally consumed in secret lust. It just …WAS. Ryan kissed Shane slow and unhurried; Shane was slack and passive in his grasp. This was the first time Shane didn't dominate him with his tongue or hands; Ryan fully got to explore Shane's mouth and tongue with his own. He could feel a slight shake in Shane's limbs and body but when he deepened the kiss he could feel a tremble go through his mouth from Shane's. Ryan almost felt….hungry…..While he'd always felt Shane's hunger in that he felt consumed when Shane kissed him, now Ryan got the flip side; it's like he needed MORE of Shane and yet no matter how much he seemed to have, it wasn't enough.

Ryan could have gone on forever….at least he wanted to go on forever. But eventually he could feel Shane pull back a bit as if he needed to breathe and Ryan let him go; finally Ryan knew that there would be plenty of time. He didn't feel he needed to push all of his passion into one kiss because he didn't feel like every one would be his last. It was okay because he knew all the passion that was exploding in his chest would be expressed in time. As he pressed his forehead to Shane's feeling his heart exploding but in the best way possible, he KNEW they had plenty of time.

"I wish you would have told me then…"Ryan said…his hands were holding onto Shane's shoulders, his forehead hot against Shane's…he felt so fucking MUCH. He felt like he had in that hotel in that he could have kept going…..that it could have been more…..but there was no more ghosts kisses to muddle his mind and he knew he couldn't dominate Shane right on their post mortem table…..though the fans would have fucking loved that…

"I do too…." Shane whispered. His breath was hot against Ryan's lips and his long fingers were knotting it Ryan's hair so much that it felt fucking amazing…

Ryan felt such peace; he wasn't sure he'd ever felt so calm. His heart was calm, his hands were steady wrapped around Shane…he felt totally happy for the first time in a long time. He smiled against Shane's lips, content and at peace.

"We're both fucking idiots aren't we?" Ryan said with a nervous but shakily excited laugh.

Shane kissed him low and slow and fucking…amazingly…..brilliant… "Yeah we're both pretty fucking stupid to pretend we didn't like this" Shane agreed with a laugh.

….

That day was like any other day but what had happened between him and Shane transformed it into an amazingly perfect day. When they had finally managed to detangle themselves from each other and make their way back to their desks, it was to the smug applause of their coworkers and friends. Ryan could feel a blush heat up his cheeks as he hastily sat back down at his desk and he couldn't tell if he was really embarrassed or secretly a bit happy that everyone seemed to know now that things were different between them.

No more hiding…..no more hiding kissing Shane…no more hiding that he liked Shane…everything was finally blissfully in the open. Ryan supposed that it shouldn't have been a big surprise that everyone knew now; aside from the fact that he and Shane were still tellingly red and tousled and couldn't wipe the grins off their faces, Ryan had basically told all of them he loved Shane in the loudest possible voice before they disappeared for a good 45 minutes. It was surprising to him how many people said, "About time!" or some variation of that to him throughout the day; it seemed that everyone knew he and Shane liked each other except him and Shane.

It was hard to wipe the smile off his face even when he and Shane got chewed out by their boss later that day for how shitty the footage was at the beach. It was hard and judging by how forced Shane's frown looked it was just as hard for him; it was hard but Ryan made himself look penitent as he apologized profusely for such bad footage and promised that it would never happened again. After what had happened that morning, it was a promise he was actually willing to bet would stay kept.

Despite how crappy the on location footage was, when he and Shane shot the dialog bits that went in between, they were obviously, stupidly happy, dissolving into fits of laughter so many times that Ryan knew he would have to cut some of it out. The two sets of footage were night and day and Ryan could only imagine what the fans would say; there was no way they wouldn't put two and two together.

When Ryan mentioned this to Shane as they turned off the camera and said, "What will people think?" it was in such a different vein that Shane had said those same words a few days ago.

Relief flowed through his blood like a drug when Shane gave him a quick kiss, looked into his eyes with ones that could pierce anyone and said, "Who cares?"

Ryan felt warmth and love explode inside his chest at those words until Shane added, "Besides, half of them thought we were banging each other a long time ago anyway" at which point Ryan dissolved into laughter again.

The day ended on the perfect note; it was perfect in that it was so totally normal and familiar and yet so much the opposite too. Shane came over to his house for movie night just like they always had, just like nothing had happened and for some appearances nothing had changed. They still bickered over what movie to watch, they still argued over who should go get the beers out of the fridge and they still fought over the bowl of popcorn. But there was the subtle differences as well; the fact that they sat close enough to touch now, that they shared a blanket across their lap…and of course the fact that they spent a good half of the movie making out.

When Ryan pulled back from Shane, holding his face between his shaking hands, seeing his face illuminated by the television in the dark and tasting the salt and butter on his lips from Shane's popcorn, when the realization hit him that this seemed so NORMAL and so right…..as if it had always been happening and always SHOULD be happening but that it was utterly mindboggling to him, Ryan said, "I can't believe this is happening…"

Shane smiled at him, looking as blissfully content as Ryan himself felt he was. "You can believe in ghosts but you can't believe I actually would like kissing you?" he said with a good natured laugh, his breath hot on Ryan's lips.

"Well…..yeah" Ryan said with a laugh, realizing instantly how crazy it sounded, especially to Shane as an unbeliever, "But the evidence is slowly bringing me around." Ryan cut off Shane's laugh with a long, slow kiss.

Ryan's head was spinning as he pulled back and by the dark look on Shane's face he seemed just as affected. "You're such a loser" Shane teased, his voice rough and deep.

Ryan felt a tremble all the way down to his toes at that tone. "Yeah…..yeah I am. But I'm your loser now" Ryan said.

With a look that fully melted what was left of Ryan's brain, Shane said, "Yes you are" and kissed Ryan until he was totally and thoroughly speechless.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading everyone! Please let me know what you think!


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